Improvised dialog is indicated in parentheses.
Cut action or dialog is indicated with square brackets.

Song: "A Hard Day's Night"
The film opens with crowds of girls, shot in a sequence of CLOSEUPS,
chasing after GEORGE, JOHN and RINGO. The BOYS hare off just ahead of
them. They take a turn down a back alley way and the crowd of screaming
girls are after them.

They rush on through the narrow cobbled passageway and into the main
station [quickly show their tickets at the barrier for the London train].
(We see various bits of byplay: Paul, in a false beard, and an old man
hide behind newspapers on a bench; George, John and Ringo vault a barrier
and hide in a photo booth.) Finally they all get onto the platform as
hordes of yelling and screaming girls reach the closed gates.

[We see the fans rushing to the few platform ticket machines, and endless
pennies being dropped and tickets torn out in their haste to get onto the
platform to see the BOYS.]

[NORM has been waiting for the BOYS and he hurries them to where all
their baggage, instruments and the drums are waiting, piled up to be put
into the guards' van. The BOYS turn and see the oncoming stream of girls
pushing through the bar riers and descending on them with yells and
shouts. They grab their instruments, RINGO makes for the drums. NORM
plugs into a handy transformer and using their instruments like a gun
volley to stop the onrush of females, the BOYS blast fire into a number
and start to sing. This stops the girls in their tracks and they settle
down on whatever they can to listen to them playing.]

[As the BOYS are playing, we CUT BACK to the crowds. In the centre we see
PAUL struggling and pulling to fight his way through the girls to join
the other BOYS. He is dragging a very reluctant old man behind him. The
old man seems most disgruntled and we can see by his gestures how
unwilling he is to be pulled and pushed forward through all the girls.]

[At last PAUL reaches the other BOYS. He sits the old man down on a pile
of cases and joins in the number to the squeals of delight from the fans.
The old man sits aloof and proud, ignoring the whole proceedings. JOHN,
GEORGE and RINGO look enquiringly at PAUL who gives a non-committal shrug
of the shoulders as if to say "it's not my fault" and the number

[SHOT of sudden horror on JOHN's face; PAUL follows his eyeline only to
see the old man has doffed his cap and is busily collecting money from a
disconcerted crowd. PAUL dives hastily into the crowd, and with suitable
apologies extracts the old man, and with a long suffering sigh, drags him
back to the group. GEORGE and PAUL hold him firmly as they finish the
number, the old man standing there between them.]

[As the number finishes and the girls scream and shout with delight, the
guard blows his whistle. NORM and SHAKE grab the instruments and the
drums, and with the rest pile the lot into the guards' van.] The BOYS
head into their reserved compartment pursued by the fans but the train
moves off. They have successfully repelled all extra boarders.

[The BOYS stand and wave to the fans until out of sight line... ] the
girls running along to the end of the platform waving and calling out.

The BOYS relax, sitting down on one side of the compartment. They are
about to settle down and make themselves at home when first GEORGE nudges
RINGO who in turn nudges JOHN. Opposite them is sitting the LITTLE OLD
MAN. He is holding himself stiff, erect and very aloof.

The three BOYS look at him enquiringly, but with an elaborate sniff, he
looks away from them and out the window.

PAUL catches his eye and winks at the LITTLE OLD MAN. He winks back at
PAUL, scowls at the other three then looks firmly out of the window
again. The BOYS turn on PAUL [crowding around him].

JOHN: Eh... pardon me for asking, but who's that little old man?

PAUL: What little old man?

JOHN: (pointing) That little old man.

PAUL: Oh, that one. That's me grandfather.

(GEORGE: Your grandfather?)

(PAUL: Yeah.)

GEORGE: That's not your grandfather.

PAUL: It is, y'know.

GEORGE: But I've seen your grandfather. He lives in your house.

PAUL: Oh, that's me other grandfather, but he's my grandfather as well.

JOHN: How d'you reckon that one out?

PAUL: Well... everyone's entitled to two, aren't they, and this one's
me other one.

JOHN: (long suffering) Well, we know that but what's he doing here?

PAUL: Well, me mother said the trip u'd do him good.

RINGO: How's that?

PAUL: Oh... he's nursing a broken heart.

The lads all look intently at the GRANDFATHER.

JOHN: Aah... the poor old thing. He leans across to GRANDFATHER.

JOHN: Eh, Mister, are you nursing a broken heart, then?

The GRANDFATHER glares at him, in a way that indicates yes.

JOHN: (To Paul) He's a nice old man, isn't he?

PAUL: He's very clean.

They all agree with Paul.

[PAUL: (whispering) You see, he was going to get married but she threw
him over for a butcher.]

[GEORGE: A butcher?]

[PAUL: Yeah, she was fickle.]

[JOHN: Aye and fond of fresh meat and all.]

[PAUL: (seriously) No... it was his sweetbreads. She was dead kinky
for sweetbreads. Anyroad, me mother thought it'ud give him a change of
scenery, like.]

[JOHN: Oh, I see.]

John has been examining GRANDFATHER. He now leans forward to him (and
crosses to sit beside him).

JOHN: (in a friendly voice) Hello, grandfather!


JOHN: (delightedly) He can talk then, (can he?)

PAUL: (indignantly) Course he can talk. He's a human being, like. Isn't

RINGO: (grinning) Well... if he's your grandfather, who knows?

The lads all laugh.

JOHN: And we're looking after him, are we?

GRANDFATHER: I'll look after meself.

PAUL: (standing up) Aye, that's what I'm afraid of!

JOHN: He's got you worried, then?

(PAUL: (combing hair) He's a villain, and a real mixer and he costs you a
fortune in breach of promise cases.)

GEORGE: (disbelieving) Gerron.

PAUL: No, straight up.

[GRANDFATHER: The lad's given you the simple truth. I'm cursed wid
irresistible charm, I'm too attractive to be let loose.]

At this moment, SHAKE, a tall man who works with the BOYS, pulls open the
door of the compartment.

(SHAKE: Hi, yer.)

BOYS: Hi, Shake.

SHAKE: You got on alright then?

(JOHN: No.)

SHAKE: We're here. Norm'll be along in a mo' with the tickets.


SHAKE: [Morning!] (whispers)Who's that little old man?

GEORGE: It's Paul's grandfather.

SHAKE: Oh aye, but I thought...

JOHN: (cutting in) No, that's his other one.

SHAKE: That's alright then.

JOHN: (displaying Grandfather) Clean though, isn't he?

SHAKE: Oh yes, he's very clean.

NORM the road manager appears behind SHAKE.

NORM: Morning, lads.

BOYS: Morning... Hi, Norm.

NORM: (checking them quickly) Well, thank God you're all here. Now,
listen, I've had this marvellous idea... now just for a change, let's
all behave like ordinary responsible citizens. Let's not cause any
trouble, pull any strokes or do anything I'm going to be sorry for,
especially to- morrow at the television theatre, because...

He looks sharply at JOHN who is [polishing his nails.] (sniffing a
bottle of Coke). Are you listening to me, Lennon?

JOHN: (off-hand) You're a swine, isn't he George?

GEORGE: (disinterested) Yeah... a swine.

NORM: (just as indifferent) Thanks. He sees the GRANDFATHER.

NORM: Eh...

BOYS IN CHORUS: ...Who's that little old man?

NORM: Well, who is he?

RINGO: He belongs to Paul.

NORM: (accepting the situation) Ah well, there you go. Look, I'm going
down the diner for a cup of coffee, are you coming?

PAUL: We'll follow you down.


GRANDFATHER: I want me coffee.

NORM: He can come with Shake and me if you like?

PAUL: Well, look after him. I don't want to find you've lost him.

NORM: Don't be cheeky, I'll bind him to me with promises.


NORM: (over Grandfather's head) He's very clean, isn't he? Come on

SHAKE and NORM collect GRANDFATHER and are in the process of leaving the
compartment when an upper class city Englishman, JOHNSON, attempts to
enter. There is a bit of confusion and they get tangled up with each

JOHNSON: Make up your minds, will you!

At last SHAKE, NORM and GRANDFATHER sort themselves out and JOHNSON
enters with his case. The other three go to coffee. JOHNSON puts his case
up on the luggage rack, then sits down. All his movements are
disgruntled... he finally picks up his copy of the Financial Times and
burying himself behind it, starts to read.

(PAUL: Morning.)

(RINGO: Morning.)

After a moment he looks up, notices the compartment window is open. He
gets up and without so much as a "by your leave" he closes it, glares at
the BOYS and sits down again. The BOYS exchange looks as if to say...
"Hello, Saucy!!"

(RINGO: Woah!)

PAUL: (politely) Do you mind if we have it opened?

JOHNSON: (briefly) Yes, I do.

JOHN: Yeah, but there are four of us, like, and we like it open, if it's
all the same to you, that is.

JOHNSON: (rudely) Well, it isn't. I travel on this train regularly twice
a week, so I suppose I've some rights.

RINGO: Aye, well, so have we.

He disappears behind his paper before the BOYS can say another word.
RINGO pulls a face at the raised paper and switches on his portable
radio. A pop number is playing.

JOHNSON puts down his paper firmly.

JOHNSON: And we'll have that thing off as well, thank you.

RINGO: But I...

JOHNSON leans over and switches it off.

JOHNSON: An elementary knowledge of the Railway Acts would tell you I'm
perfectly within my rights.

He smiles frostily.

PAUL: Yeah, but we want to hear it and there's more of us than you. We're
a community, like, a majority vote. Up the workers and all that stuff!

JOHNSON: Then I suggest you take that damned thing into the corridor or
some other part of the train where you obviously belong.

JOHN: (leaning forward to him) Gie's a kiss!

PAUL: [Shurrup!] Look, Mister, we've paid for our seats too, you know.

JOHNSON: I travel on this train regularly, twice a week.

JOHN: Knock it off, Paul, y' can't win with his sort. After all, it's his
train, isn't it, Mister?

JOHNSON: And don't you take that tone with me, young man!

[GEORGE: But...]

JOHNSON: (accusingly) I fought the war for your sort.

RINGO: Bet you're sorry you won!

JOHNSON: I'll call the guard!

PAUL: Aye... but what? They don't take kindly to insults. Ah, come on,
you lot. Let's have a cup of coffee and leave [Toby the manger] (the
kennel to Lassie).

The BOYS troop out of the door into the corridor. JOHNSON smiles
triumphantly. He is about to settle down to his paper when there is a tap
on the corridor window. He looks up and we see pressed against the window
a collection of hideous Beatle faces.

PAUL: Eh, Mister... can we have our ball back!

[The man jumps to his feet.]

(Surreal shot of the BOYS running alongside the train, banging on the

(BOYS: Hey Mister... can we have our ball back!)

(BOYS carry RINGO past the interior compartment window as if he is

[(BOYS: Hey Mister... can we have our ball back!)]

[The BOYS run away like a pack of school boys and disappear round the

[From the P.O.V. of the door leading to the restaurant car.]

[The BOYS come down the corridor in full flight, laughing away like happy
idiots. GEORGE and PAUL pull open the sliding doors. The BOYS look

From their P.O.V. we see the car is half empty and at a table in the
centre SHAKE and NORM and GRANDFATHER are sitting. On the table is a pile
of photos of the BOYS. NORM and SHAKE are arguing. NORM is being very
aggressive, much to SHAKE's discomfort.

NORM: Yeah, you want to watch it.

SHAKE: (unhappily) It's not my fault.

NORM: Well, you stick to that story, son.

SHAKE: I can't help it, I'm just taller than you are.

GRANDFATHER: (to NORM slyly) They always say that.

NORM: Yeah, well I got me eye on you.

SHAKE: I'm sorry Norm, but I can't help being taller than you.

NORM: Well, you don't have to rub me nose in it. I've a good mind to...
(He is about to thump SHAKE.)

JOHN: (enjoying himself) If you're going to have a barney I'll hold your

NORM: He started it.

SHAKE: No, I didn't you did...

GEORGE: Well, what happened?

SHAKE: The old fella wanted these pictures and Norm said he couldn't have
'em, all I said was "aw go on, be big about it."

PAUL: And?

NORM: Your grandfather pointed out Shake was always being taller than me
to spite me.

PAUL: I knew it, he started it, I should have known.

NORM: Y'what?

PAUL: You two have never had a quarrel in your life and in two minutes
flat he's got you at it. He's a king mixer. [Adam and Eve, meet the
serpent. Anthony and Cleopatra, there's your asp. Divide and Conquer,
that's this one's motto.] He hates group unity so he gets everyone at it.

The BOYS, i.e. JOHN, GEORGE and RINGO, look at each other then at PAUL.

[PAUL: Aye and we'll have to watch it and all.]

GEORGE: I suggest you give him the photos and have done with it.

NORM: You're right, here you are old devil.

GRANDFATHER grins triumphantly and collects them, then with a sweet smile
he turns to PAUL.

GRANDFATHER: Would you ever sign this one for us, Pauly?

(NORM: Oh, come on Shake.) SHAKE and NORM leave.

PAUL does so automatically but in the middle of signing he gets
suspicious. GRANDFATHER smiles at him charmingly so PAUL finishes

[JOHN: Come on let's get this coffee.]

[GRANDFATHER: Before you go, I think it's only fair to warn you about me
grandson... don't let our Paul have his own way all the time, 'cos if
you do he won't respect you!]

[JOHN, RINGO and GEORGE take this up straight away. They all pretend to
be girls, RINGO jumps into PAUL's arms.]

[GEORGE: (coyly) Oh, Paul, you can't have your own way!] [JOHN:
(invitingly, in a Marlene Dietrich voice) If I let you have your own way,
you little rascal, will you respect me?]

[PAUL: (choked) I'll murder you, Grandfather!]

[JOHN waltzes PAUL down to an empty table and the lads sit down.]

GEORGE: Eh, look at that talent.

They all gaze across the aisle. From their P.O.V. we see two very
attractive young girls, RITA and JEAN, having coffee.

JOHN: Give 'em a pull.

PAUL: Shall I?

GEORGE: Aye, but don't rush. None of your five bar gate jumps and over
sort of stuff.

PAUL: Now what's that mean?

GEORGE: (grinning) I don't really know, but it sounded distinguished,
like, didn't it?

JOHN: George Harrison, The Scouse of Distinction.

We follow PAUL as he crosses over to the two girls. He places a bowler on
his head.

PAUL: (Excuse me, madame.) (in posh accent) Excuse me, but these young
men I'm sitting with wondered if two of us could join you; I'd ask you
meself only I'm shy.

The two girls giggle together. JOHN and GEORGE are about to move over
when GRANDFATHER suddenly appears by their sides.

GRANDFATHER: (sternly) I'm sorry, Miss, but you mustn't fraternise with
my prisoners.

JEAN: Prisoners!!

GRANDFATHER: Convicts in transit to Wormwood Scrubs. Typical old lags,
the lot of 'em.

THE BOYS: Y'what!!!

[GRANDFATHER: Quiet, you lot, or I'll give you a touch of me truncheon.
(He points at Ringo.) That little one's the worst. If we don't keep him
on tablets he has fits.]

[RINGO: (protesting) Now look here!!]

[GRANDFATHER grabs two lumps of sugar from the table and forces them into
RINGO's mouth.]

GRANDFATHER: Get out while you can, ladies, [his time's coming round for
one of his turns.]

The girls scurry out of the restaurant car. We are not sure if they
recognised the BOYS who look in amazement and horror at GRANDFATHER. They
are completely flabbergasted. [GRANDFATHER smiles at them benignly.]

SHAKE and NORM are seated. SHAKE is buried in a [science fiction book]
Mad Magazine. NORM looks at his watch, slightly worried.

NORM: He's been gone a long time.

SHAKE: (without looking up) Who?

NORM: Paul's grandfather.

SHAKE: Oh, I didn't notice, where'd he go?

NORM: Down the.. er...

SHAKE: Oh, down the... er...?

NORM: Yeah, down the... er...

SHAKE: Well, give a couple of minutes...

He resumes reading. But NORM goes on worrying.

[GRANDFATHER is in full flight of conversation with a charming elderly
lady, AUDREY, who is listening intently.]

[GRANDFATHER: (proudly) Yes, I'm their manager, I discovered them.]

[AUDREY: Did you indeed, Mr. McCartney?]

[GRANDFATHER: Now, Audrey, I told you, the name's John. We show biz
people are a friendly lot.]

[AUDREY: Of course.]

[GRANDFATHER: Yes, they were playing the queues outside the picture
palaces of Liverpool. Scruffy young lads, lacking even the price of a jam
roll. Orphans, every Paddy's son of 'em. I saw their potential at once
although I had me doubts about the little fella, a savage primitive, that
Ringo, but it was him what gave in first. He picked up a brick and heaved
it at me and I quelled him wid one fierce flash of me eyes. "Mister, can
you spare us a penny copper?" he said. I was disarmed by the grubby
little outstretched mauler... So, I took them under me managerial

[AUDREY: The usual ten per cent?]

[GRANDFATHER: Oh, not at all, I let them have twenty-five; sure aren't
there four of them?]

[AUDREY: (her eyes lighting up) How fascinating. Do go on...
(pause)... John.]

[GRANDFATHER: Oh, I'm all heart, Ma'am, all heart... Well, I let...]

NORM and SHAKE meet with the BOYS as they are returning from coffee.

NORM: Eh, have you got Paul's grandfather?

JOHN: Of course, he's concealed about me person.

NORM: No... he's slipped off somewhere.

PAUL: (accusingly) Have you lost him?

NORM: Don't exaggerate.

PAUL: You've lost him.

SHAKE: Put it this way, he's mislaid him.

PAUL: You can't trust you with anything, Norm. If you've lost him, I'll
cripple you.

SHAKE: He can't be far.

[JOHN: I hope he fell off.]

[PAUL: (mildly) Don't be callous.]

(NORM: Come lads, lets look up the sharp end.)

(GEORGE: What's the matter with you, then.)

(RINGO and GEORGE are looking out a window together.)

RINGO: [He] (His grandfather) doesn't like me, honest, I can tell...
it's 'cos I'm little.

GEORGE: You've got an inferiority complex, you have.

RINGO: Yeah, I know, that's why I took up the drums. It's me active
compensatory factor.

JOHN and PAUL run down the corridor. SHAKE and NORM turn from the door
and go in the opposite direction, GEORGE and RINGO follow after the other
two BOYS.

PAUL and JOHN look into various compartments. CLOSE SHOT of RINGO looking
into compartments in the manner of Groucho Marx. In one of the
compartments we see from RINGO's P.O.V. the occupant, a glamorous woman,
TANIA, with a small lap dog. She is beautifully and most expensively
dressed. She looks up and sees RINGO. RINGO smiles at her and she smiles
back. She then beckons him to join her. He looks around to see if she
means someone else. She nods a negative. RINGO looks back enquiringly
then points at himself as if to say: "Who, me?" TANIA smiles
enthusiastically. GEORGE has been watching all this.

GEORGE: Are you going in, then?

RINGO: No, she'll only reject me in the end and I'll be frustrated.

GEORGE: You never know, you might be lucky this time.

RINGO: No, I know the psychological pattern and it plays hell with me
drum skins.

RINGO blows her a kiss. She blows RINGO a kiss back but he then moves
sadly on.

PAUL enters a compartment followed by JOHN. The two girls, RITA and JEAN,
from the restaurant car are sitting there.

PAUL: Excuse me but have you seen that little old man we were with?

The girls jump up, surprised.

JOHN: We've broken out, oh, the blessed freedom of it all! (He extends
his hands as if handcuffed.) Eh, have you got a nail file, these
handcuffs are killing me.

[PAUL: Will you stop it!]

PAUL: Sorry for disturbing you,[miss] girls.

JOHN is now by the door, he leers at the girls horribly.

JOHN: I bet you can guess what I was in for.

He cackles like a maniac before disappearing, the door closing after him.

A waiter carrying a tray with champagne and glasses on it passes into one
of the compartments with the blinds down.

[PAUL: How about that one?]

PAUL moves towards the compartment.

PAUL: (to John) [to Ringo and George] [Did you} (Should we) go in here?

[GEORGE](JOHN): No. I mean, it's probably a honeymoon couple or a company
director or something.

PAUL: Well, I'm going to broaden [our] (my) outlook.

PAUL opens the door of the compartment.

From the BOYS' P.O.V. we see GRANDFATHER and the elderly lady, AUDREY,
sipping champagne and nibbling caviar on toast.

GRANDFATHER: (looking up) Congratulate me, boys, I'm engaged.

PAUL enters and crosses over to him.

PAUL: Oh no you're not, not this time. [You've gone too far this time...
and who's paying for all this?]

[GRANDFATHER: It's all taken care of. It's down on our bill.]

[PAUL: Oh, well that's alright (Realising) What?]

[AUDREY: Young man, kindly moderate your tone when you address my

[PAUL: I'm sorry, Missus, but the betrothal's off. (He grabs GRANDFATHER
by the arm.) I'll refuse me consent, he's over-age!]

[AUDREY grabs GRANDFATHER's other arm and pulls back.]

[AUDREY: Leave him alone, after all he's done for you is this the way you
repay him.]

[A tug of war now starts between PAUL and AUDREY.]

[PAUL: (pulling) Him? He's never done anything for anybody in his life.]

[AUDREY: (pulling) You dare to say that when even those ridiculous
clothes you are wearing were bought when you forced him to sell out his
gilt edged Indomitables!!]

[JOHN and GEORGE jump on the seat egging PAUL and AUDREY on.]

[JOHN: Come on, auntie, you're winning.]

[GEORGE: Get in there, Paul, she's weakening.]

[RINGO attempts to interfere.]

[RINGO: Look, Missus, this is all a misunderstanding, you see, he's...]

[AUDREY: Keep away from me, you depraved lout, I know all about your
terrible past.]

[RINGO: Y'what?]

[She hits RINGO with her handbag and continues struggling with PAUL for
GRANDFATHER. Then RINGO grabs her handbag to stop her from hitting him.]

[RINGO: He's given me a bad character, blackguarding me name to all and
sundry. He's got to be stopped. It's not fair.]

[RINGO pushes out into the corridor, forgetting that he is holding the
woman's handbag. A voice shouts off from outside.]

[VOICE OFF: That's one of them... stop thief!]

[From RINGO's P.O.V. we see down to the right the city man, JOHNSON,
approaching with a GUARD. RINGO turns the other way to the left when he
is joined by three other BOYS. From their P.O.V. down the corridor we see
the two girls, autograph books in hand, followed by ten girls from the
same school.]

[Both groups are closing in on the BOYS. There's no escape.]

[RINGO: (looking down at the handbag in his hand) Oh Mother!!]

Very dark, and behind bars we see GRANDFATHER. He is sitting crouched up
on a wooden box tea chest and looks pretty miserable. He turns towards
the CAMERA, in the foreground of the SHOT we see PAUL standing. [In the
background an impassive GUARD is reading a paper which he does
throughout the scene.]

GRANDFATHER: (bitterly) And to think me own grandson would have let them
put me behind bars!

PAUL: Don't dramatise.

The CAMERA PULLS BACK and we see GRANDFATHER in the luggage compart- ment
of the guards' van. In with him are [a crate of chickens and] a dog .
[The chickens peck at him, GRANDFATHER moves listlessly away.]

PAUL: Let's face it, you're lucky to be here. If they'd have had their
way you'd have been dropped off at Stafford.

[GRANDFATHER proudly turns away from PAUL who dodges round so he can
still see his face.]

PAUL: Well, you've got to admit you've upset a lot of people. (At least I
can keep my eye on you while you're stuck in here.)

[GRANDFATHER turns away again.]

[PAUL: Alright, how about Ringo? I mean... he's very upset, you know...
and as far as your girlfriend, little Audrey's concerned, she's
finished with men for the rest of her natural, and another thing...]

[GRANDFATHER: (cutting in) You're left-handed, aren't you, Paul?]

[PAUL: Yeah... so what?]

[GRANDFATHER: Why do you always use your left hand?]

[PAUL: Well, don't be daft, I've got to.]

[GRANDFATHER: And I take a left-handed view of life, I've got to.]

[PAUL grins. After a moment of looking at him, PAUL opens the door of the
luggage compartment and joins GRANDFATHER on a box.]

PAUL: Shove up!

GRANDFATHER produces a penny.

GRANDFATHER: Odds or evens?

PAUL sighs.

PAUL: Odds.

GRANDFATHER flips the coin.

The guards' van door opens and JOHN, GEORGE and RINGO come in, [with them
are the girls, RITA and JEAN.]

JOHN: (as he sees PAUL behind the bars) Don't worry, son, we'll get you
the best lawyer [trading] (green) stamps can buy.

PAUL: Oh, it's a laugh a line with Lennon. (to Ringo) Anyroad up...
It's all your fault.

RINGO: Me? Why?

(PAUL: Why not?)

[GEORGE: Bag-snatcher.]

[GRANDFATHER: That's right; convict without trial... Habeus corpus.]

[JOHN: (casually) Every morning.]

JOHN has been looking around the guards' van.

JOHN: Gaw, it's depressing in here, isn't it? Funny... (he pats the
dog.) 'cos they usually reckon dogs more than people in England, don't
they? You'd expect something a little more palatial. (He shudders.)
[Let's have a little action.] Let's do something, then.

He produces a deck of cards.

PAUL: Like what?

[JOHN: Well, I've got me gob stopper. (He produces his mouth organ.)
Look, a genuine Stradivarius, hand tooled at Dagenham.]

(JOHN: Mmm.)

(PAUL: Okay.)

(As the BOYS begin to play cards), the GIRLS John and Paul saw earlier

(GEORGE: God, it's the girls.)

(RINGO: I'll deal.)

(JOHN: Aye, aye, the Liverpool shuffle. Two to you, two to me, three to

Song: "I Should Have Known Better"
[And to RINGO's beat on a tea chest they are off, PAUL and GEORGE
improvising other sounds, much to the GIRLS' delight. During the number,
GRANDFATHER quietly lets the latch off the chicken crate and chickens
begin to wander through the scene.]

[While the number is progressing, the train is getting nearer and nearer
to London.]

[SHOTS of the station full of GIRLS waiting for the BOYS.]

[By the time the number finishes the train pulls up with a sharp halt
that sends all the passengers sprawling, BOYS and GIRLS.]

(JOHN: He's riding his lucky wave.)

(RINGO: All mine.)

(JOHN: It won't buy you happiness, my son.)

NORM enters the guards' van.

NORM: Don't move, any of you. They've gone potty out there. The whole
place is surging with girls.

JOHN: Please, can I have one to surge with?

[NORM: No.]

[JOHN: Ah, go on, you swine.]

NORM: No, you can't. Look, as soon as I tell you, run through this door
and into the big car that's waiting.

He points and we see a big car parked across the road. The BOYS prepare
to depart, lining up with GRANDFATHER at the door.

Just as they are ready to go a line of taxis draws up parallel to the
train and now separates them from the big car waiting for them.

[NORM: Oh no!]

[GRANDFATHER pushes past the BOYS, holding his coat closed.]

(NORM: Come on lads, come on.)

[GRANDFATHER: Alright, lads, follow me.]

[And before NORM can stop him, he darts out of the door, PAUL after him.
The fans further down the platform see PAUL and charge forward... in a
panic NORM and the others follow, JOHN just having time to kiss both the

[JOHN: Vive l'amour!]

[NORM drags him away.]

[The BOYS manage to follow GRANDFATHER by leaping onto a motorized
luggage carrier, GEORGE driving and the other three posing as a frozen
tableau on the back. GRANDFATHER has arrived at a taxi door. He flings it
open and runs through, opening the other do or, thus making a safe bridge
to the car.]

[The BOYS follow. They run towards GRANDFATHER's taxi. The FANS have
followed the BOYS and we see streams of GIRLS piling through all the
taxis [one of which contains JOHNSON the city man, opening and shutting
the doors to get through, much to the indignation of the TAXI DRIVERS.]

[NORM is sitting in front with the DRIVER. FRANK, the four BOYS and
GRANDFATHER are squashed together in the back.]

[NORM: (to the driver) Go like the clappers, son!]

[FRANK: (smoothly) That was my entire intention, sir.]

(SHAKE, having seen the BOYS, NORM, and GRANDFATHER successfully escape,
has been left on the baggage platform with all of the equipment. He sighs
and begins loading it up.)

The car moves off surrounded by the FANS; [from a height] we see them
converge on the car but it moves forcefully out of the station and off.
It moves into the traffic in the main road and the journey to the hotel

There is a reception room and off it lead rooms that are presumably
bedrooms, bathroom, etc. JOHN is lying sprawled out on a settee
[listening to a transistor radio, demolishing a basket of fruit.] PAUL is
sitting at an upright piano and GRANDFATHER is mooching about the room.
One of the doors opens and GEORGE ente rs followed by RINGO, none of the
BOYS are wearing coats.

RINGO: I don't snore.

GEORGE: You do - repeatedly.

RINGO: (to John) Do I snore?

JOHN: (eating a banana) You're a window rattler, son.

RINGO: Well, that's just your opinion. Do I snore, Paul?

PAUL: (stopping playing) With a trombone hooter like yours it 'ud be
unnatural if you didn't.

GRANDFATHER: Don't mock the afflicted, Pauly.

PAUL: Oh for Pete's sake, it's only a joke.

GRANDFATHER: Well, it may be a joke, but it's his nose. He can't help
having a [horrible] hideous great hooter [nose], it's the only one he's
got. And his poor little head's trembling under the weight of it.

NORM enters with three piles of fan mail and places them in front of JOHN
on a table. RINGO is almost in tears, examining his nose in a mirror.

NORM: Paul, John, George - get at it.

JOHN: Hello the income tax have caught up with us at last.

PAUL and GEORGE gather round the low table. RINGO is left out of it.

RINGO: None for me, then?

NORM: Sorry.

John hands RINGO a single envelope.

JOHN: That'll keep you busy.

GRANDFATHER: It's your nose, y'see. Fans are funny that way. Take a
dislike to things. They'll pick on a nose...

RINGO: You go and pick on your own.

SHAKE enters with a stack of mail about three times larger than all the
others put together.

(SHAKE: Hey, here.)

JOHN: Is that yours?

SHAKE: For Ringo.

He dumps it in RINGO's arms who staggers into an armchair. The BOYS send
him up.

JOHN: That must have cost you a fortune in stamps, Ringo.

GEORGE: He comes from a large family.

RINGO: (dumping the letters) Well.

RINGO opens his letter and reads it. It contains a large embossed card.

RINGO: Eh, what's [Boyd's Club] (Le Circle Club?)

The lads gather round him and PAUL takes the card from him and reads.

PAUL: "The Management of [Boyd's] Le Circle Club takes pleasure in
requesting the company of Mr. Richard Starkey, that's you, in their
recently refinished gaming rooms. Chemin de Fer. Baccarat, Roulette, and
Champagne Buffet." [Blimey!]

RINGO: (surprised) And they want me?

JOHN: Oh it's got round that you're a [heavy punter] big spender.

NORM: (snatching the card) Well you're not going.


GRANDFATHER: (taking card from Norm) Quite right, invites to gambling
dens full of easy money and fast women, chicken sandwiches and cornets of
caviar, disgusting!

He pockets the card himself.

RINGO: That's mine.

NORM: Have done, and you lot get your pens out.

BOYS: Why?

NORM: It's homework time for all you college puddings. I want this lot
(he indicates the fan letters) all answered tonight.

The BOYS all protest.

(RINGO: I want to go out.)

NORM: I'll brook no denial!

JOHN: It's all right for you, you couldn't get a pen in your foot, you

NORM: [Come on, Shake, we'll leave 'em to their penmanship.] (Chatter on,
chatter on, but a touch of the writer's cramp will soon sort you out.
Come on Shake.)

(SHAKE: Ta, then.)

He goes followed by SHAKE. There is a pause and JOHN deliberately rises
slowly and crosses to his coat. He puts it on and walks to the door.

(GEORGE: Where are you going?)

JOHN: [While the swine's away the piglets can play. What are we waiting
for?] (He told us to stay here, didn't he?) Come on.

With a whoop PAUL, GEORGE and RINGO collect their coats and head for the

[GRANDFATHER: What about all these letters?]

[BOYS: Read 'em!]

They disappear. After a moment GRANDFATHER takes out RINGO's card.

C.U. GRANDFATHER: [And a free champagne buffet.] He grins to himself.

At this moment a WAITER enters with a tray.

(WAITER: I'll clean up, sir.)

He is clad in tails and GRANDFATHER eyes them longingly, measuring
himself the while alongside the startled waiter. He leaves us with no
doubt in our minds what he wants, i.e., the waiter's suit.

Song: "I Want To Be Your Man"
The club is the latest in modern decor and full of teen-agers all
enjoying themselves. The CAMERA wanders around the club till it finally
picks out JOHN, PAUL, GEORGE and RINGO all crowded around one small
table. The music is blaring away from a juke box and the BOYS join the
dancers. They are recognised and given smiles and nods of encouragement
by all the other customers. During this scene we CUT AWAY.

The whole atmosphere is of quiet elegance and loud wealth. Around the
baccarat table the rich, bored customers sit barely moving a face muscle
as they languidly murmur "suivez" and "banco" to the dealer as he
operates the shoe. The manager of the club is beaming with satisfaction
as he surveys his customers. One of these customers is clad in evening
dress and he has his back to us. The rest of the players (male) are in
suits. By each of them is standing a lush lady with a bored sophisticated
face that loo ks as if it has been painted on. From the REVERSE of the
LAST SHOT we now see the solitary evening dress player is GRANDFATHER. He
looks around him and wipes off his look of enjoyment and elaborately out-
bores everyone in the room.

DEALER: Alors, M'sieur?

GRANDFATHER: (nonchalant) Soufl╬e.

He turns to the buxom BLONDE, who is dripping over him.

GRANDFATHER: I bet you're a great swimmer. My turn? Bingo!

CROUPIER: Pas "Bingo," M'sieur... Banco.

GRANDFATHER: (taking cards) I'll take the little darlings anyway.

He takes up the cards and can't understand that they are unnumbered.

GRANDFATHER: Two and one is three, carry one is four.

The buxom BLONDE leans over him.

[BLONDE: Lay them down.]

[GRANDFATHER: (disturbed by his eyeline) Eh?]

[BLONDE: Lay them down.]

[GRANDFATHER: We'd be thrown out.]

[BLONDE: Your cards... lay them down... face up.]

[He does so.]

CROUPIER: Huit [a la pointe]... et sept. (He pushes chips and box to

[BLONDE: You had a lovely little pair, y'see.]


[CROUPIER taps impatiently on box shoe.]

[BLONDE: They're yours.]

[GRANDFATHER: They are?]

[BLONDE: The cards... you're bank.]

Song: "Don't Bother Me"
The BOYS are having a rare old time and the place is really moving.

[GRANDFATHER is playing and a waiter is checking the requirements of the


[CROUPIER: (wearily) M'lord dit "bingo."]

[WAITER: (to Grandfather) A little light refreshment.]

[GRANDFATHER: (lordly) A glass of the old chablis to wash down a gesture
of gibblets wouldn't go amiss. (He resumes his game.) Soufl╬e, chop

[The CROUPIER uses the spatula to pick up a card. GRANDFATHER grabs it
and scoops some sandwiches off a passing tray.]

GRANDFATHER is looking worried at the call of the card he loses and we
see that all his chips have gone. He notices the waiter delivering snacks
and champagne to a couple, so quick as a flash, he places a handkerchief
over his arm and writing a bill out on a piece of paper, presents it to
the couple and collects payment in chips. He then resumes playing.


Song: "All My Loving"
The BOYS are at their table again laughing and enjoying themselves, when
suddenly their faces freeze. From their P.O.V. we see NORM standing
glowering down at them. With him is SHAKE. Reluctantly the BOYS rise and
follow NORM out.

Waiter is sitting on chair in underclothes, reading. He hears a noise,
says "The manager!" and hides in outer clothes closet. NORM and the BOYS
enter saying:

NORM: Now get on with it.

JOHN: We were going to do it.

NORM: Aye, well, now! (He goes through bedroom.)

RINGO goes to hang up coat in closet. He does so, then crosses to rest.

RINGO: Any of you lot put a man in that cupboard?

ALL: A man? No.

RINGO: Well somebody did.

GEORGE goes to cupboard.

We see the WAITER from his P.O.V.

He closes door, returns to group.

GEORGE: He's right, y'know.

BOYS: (disinterested) Ah well, there you go.

SHAKE enters front door, goes to hang up coat and drags WAITER out.

SHAKE: Eh, what's all this?

PAUL: Oh, him... He's been lurking.

JOHN: Aye, he looks a right lurker.

SHAKE: (to WAITER) You're undressed. Where are your clothes?

WAITER: The old gentlemen borrowed them to go gambling at Le Circle.

[PAUL: No!]

RINGO: Oh, he's gone to my club, has he?

PAUL: (turning on Ringo) Yeah, it's all your fault, getting invites to
gambling clubs. He's probably in the middle of an orgy by now.

JOHN: Well, what are we waiting for?

[SHAKE: Aye, come on, honest, that grandfather of yours is worse than any
of you lot.]

(WAITER: What about me?)

(JOHN: Too old.)

GRANDFATHER is drinking champagne [in locked arms] with BLONDE.

WAITER: Encore de champagne, Monsieur?

GRANDFATHER: Yes, and I'll have some more champagne as well. He takes
another swig of his glass.

MANAGER: (beaming) Lord John McCartney, he's the millionaire Irish Peer,
filthy rich of course.

CUSTOMER: Oh I don't know, looks [rather] (quite) clean to me.

[The MANAGER comes to GRANDFATHER's side.]

[MANAGER: Play is about to resume, m'lord.]

[GRANDFATHER: (handing him a chip) Lead me to it, I've a winning itch
that only success can pacify.]

[He takes his place at the table. The MANAGER watches for a moment then
moves away from the table towards the club reception desk.]

JOHN, PAUL, GEORGE, RINGO, NORM and SHAKE are trying to gain entrance.

(NORM: Come ahead you lot. Try to act with a bit of decorum - this is a
posh place.)

(JOHN. We know how to behave, we've had lessons.)

ATTENDANT: I'm sorry sir, members and invited guests only.

[PAUL, GEORGE, RINGO, JOHN: I've got to get in. It's urgent and
important. I've had an invite. Take me to your leader.]

[NORM: Shurrup.]

[The boys do.]

(NORM: Well, uh... )

(ATTENDANT: (letting them in) Oh, yes.)

(SHAKE: I'm with them, I'm Ringo's sister.)

The BOYS enter and meanwhile the MANAGER has walked into SHOT. He
recognises the BOYS and welcomes them with false enthusiasm. They all
start to enter the main room.

NORM: [All we want to know is] Have you got a little old man in there?

MANAGER: (pleasantly) Do you mean Lord McCartney?

C.U. PAUL: He's at it again, look, I'm his grandfather... I mean...

BLONDE: (standing next to Grandfather) Oh, it must be the dolly floor

[JOHN: Stay where you are everybody this is a raid and we want him.]

GRANDFATHER: Who are these ruffians?... I've never seen them before in
my life!..

They grab the protesting GRANDFATHER and drag him into the reception
area. He keeps trying to return to BLONDE and table. [GEORGE and RINGO
each take an end of the velvet cord hanging between the two stanchions.
They exchange ends and rehook it, thus encircling GRANDFATHER by the
entrance desk.] They then go to settle up.

MANAGER: (with false charm) Before you go, gentlemen, there's the small
matter of the bill.

[He snaps his fingers and a waiter hands him the bill.]

NORM: (taking it) I'll settle that.

He glances at it.

NORM: A hundred and eighty pounds!

MANAGER: (icily) I beg your pardon, guineas.

At that moment a WAITER appears with a tray full of pound notes.

WAITER: Your winnings, my lord, one hundred and ninety pounds.

The MANAGER tears up the bill and takes the money.

GRANDFATHER: How about me change?

MANAGER: Cloak room charge.

He hands GRANDFATHER his old mackintosh.

RINGO: (brightly) Ah well, easy come, easy go. (The others glower at
him.) Well.

{Though this scene was written by Alun Owen and not improvised, it was
not a part of the original script. It was added later as a way to give
George Harrison more to do in the film.}

The bath is full of bubbles and the bubbles are high over the top
of the bath. After a moment, JOHN's head appears out of the bubbles; he
is wearing his leather cap and in his hands are a toy merchant ship and a
toy submarine. He begins to play an elaborate game of U-Boat hunting of
British ships; he conducts the game in pig German, barking orders. GEORGE
now enters, he is dressed in his undervest and trousers, and he is
carrying a sponge bag and hand towel. Behind lumbers SHAKE.

JOHN: Guten morgan, mein Herr. Konnen Sie nach ein tea haben? Ah, the
filthy Englander, gootey morgee.

SHAKE: (off hand)(Keep Britain tidy.) (Pleadingly)Aw, go on George.

GEORGE: Don't be ridiculous.

SHAKE: You said I could.

GEORGE: Honest, me mind boggles at the very idea. A grown man, and you've
never shaved with a safety razor.

SHAKE: It's not my fault, I'm from a long line of electricians.

GEORGE: Well, you're not practising on me.

SHAKE: All right. Well, show us then.

GEORGE: (long suffering) Oh, come on then.

GEORGE has unpacked his razor and can of lather. He now has an idea, and
instead of lathering his face, he lathers SHAKE's image in the mirror and
to demonstrate shaving, he shaves the image. [He, however, pulls all the
appropriate faces of shaving on his own face followed closely by SHAKE.]
In the background JOHN continues the North Atlantic sea-war.

JOHN: Rule Britannia, Britannia rule the...

GEORGE: Put that tongue away, it looks disgusting hanging there all pink
and naked - one slip of the razor and...

[CLOSE UP SHAKE as he hastily withdraws his tongue with a gulp.] At this
moment there is a loud sound from JOHN, then a cry of:

JOHN: Hilf ich, uns hilfen. Help!

[SHAKE AND GEORGE rush to the bath side just in time to see JOHN
disappear below the surface of the bubbles.]

GEORGE: (to Shake) Torpedoed again.

They are about to resume the shaving lesson when NORM enters.

NORM: [And what's all this? Do you know there's a dirty great car waiting
to take you lot to the television place? (He bundles SHAKE and GEORGE out
of bathroom.) Where's John?] Come on lads, there's a car waiting to take
you to the studio. Where's John?

GEORGE: (as he exits) In the bath.

NORM crosses to the bath.

[NORM: Right you are Lennon.]

NORM: All right, Lennon, let's have you.

CLOSE UP NORM looking smug. There is no response so NORM goes to the top
of the bath and pulls out the plug.

NORM: Come on John, stop larking about.

NORM waits a moment then turns to the bath, a look of horror comes over
his face and we see the bath is empty.

NORM: John! John!

We CUT from bath to NORM, still amazed, and JOHN's head comes into frame.

JOHN: [I wonder how I did it!] What are you messing around with that boat
for - there's a car waiting, come on!

[The BOYS have settled down.]

[JOHN: Should I say it?]

[GEORGE: Follow your impulse.]

[RINGO: It'll only get you into trouble.]

[JOHN: (to RINGO) Aah, shurrup, misery!]

[JOHN slouches forward.]

[JOHN: (urgently) O.K. Driver, follow that car!]

[The driver is an urbane man in a handsome grey uniform.]

[FRANK: (indicating the traffic) Would you like to be a little more
precise, sir?]

[JOHN: Well, that's the wrong line for a start.]

[FRANK: Sorry? (meaning: "I beg your pardon.")]

[GEORGE: Oh, don't pay any attention to him, he was just fulfilling a
life-long ambition.]

[FRANK: I see.]

[JOHN: Yeah, you know, "O.K. Buster, follow that car, there's a sawbuck
in it for you if you get real close!"]

[FRANK: Oh, yes, now I'm with you. But, gee, Mister, I've got my license
to think of... we're doing a hundred now...]

[The car is stopped in traffic behind a bus. JOHN gets out of car and
walks to the front JOHN leans in window delightedly, he flashes his
wallet. The car starts again.]

[JOHN: (walking alongside) Ever seen one of these before?]

[FRANK: Ah... a shamus, eh?]

[JOHN: I see you go to the night court.]

[FRANK: I've made the scene.]

[JOHN: (jumping into car) Well, remem- ber, it's Leathery Magee up ahead
in that convertible, so cover me in the stake out.]

[GEORGE: I don't think that bit's right.]

[JOHN: What do you expect from an ad lib... Raymond Chandler?]

[As the big car overtakes a company director's Rolls, JOHN lowers his
window and the BOYS let out an imaginary hail of bullets at the executive
in the back. He re- acts violently and starts to shout at them. As he
does so, he presses the button of his win - dow so that we hear only part
of it. But what we do hear is unpleasant. He immediately presses the
button and the window rises.]

[RINGO and PAUL jump out of the car. RINGO takes two drumsticks from his
coat pocket and using them as bandilleros, inserts them with style into
the radiator grill (V.O. "Ole" from the BOYS). PAUL then using his coat
as a matador's cloak, does a butterfly pass at the car which has just
started up, narrowly missing him but he keeps in the matador position.]

[NORM: Will you all stop it, you're like a gang of school kids. I knew
this was going to happen one day.]

[JOHN: (as Ringo and Paul climb in) Well, you shouldn't have had bacon
for your breakfast, you cannibal.]

[FRANK: (to Norm) We're nearly there, sir.]

[JOHN: Eh... don't call him sir, he's got enough delusions of power as
it is.]

[CLOSE SHOT of a long suffering NORM.]

[NORM: And I was happy in the bakery. I'll never know why I left.]

Which has been converted to the T.V. studios. There are a few groups of
GIRL FANS standing outside the front of the theatre, but against the curb
of the pavement is a night-watchman's canvas hut and brazier. The car

NORM: Get ready John, open the door and as it draws up, out you go and
straight in.

JOHN nods and opens the door. The FANS start to swarm 'round them. To
escape, the BOYS dash into the night-watchman's canvas hut, pick it up
and run with it to the stage door, revealing the night-watchman, staring
in astonishment.

At the door the BOYS put the hut down and enter the theatre.

[As the BOYS enter, two P.R.O. men in dark suits, stiff white collars and
old school ties step forward and smile menacingly.]

[FIRST P.R.O. MAN: (menacingly) Press conference, they're waiting for

Two P.R.O.'s are waiting and checking their watches. NORM and BEATLES
enter. They are hurried across foyer and up the stairs by the P.R.O.'s.

(FIRST P.R.O.: We can't wait much longer. We'll just have to start.)

(SECOND P.R.O.: Come on boys. Hurry up.)

(FIRST P.R.O.: Where have you been? There's a press conference you knew
we were arranging.)

NORM: (jovially) Give us a couple of shakes to get our breath.

[FIRST P.R.O. MAN: (more menacingly) They're waiting now!]

(JOHN: Give us a shout when it's over.)

[PAUL: This lot means it. They're even taking hostages.]

(JOHN: I have a suit just like that, but I don't like the handkerchief. I
always have the handkerchief in me trouser pocket. You can't blow your
nose on it up there, can you, Mister?)

[And without more ado they grab an arm each and march the protesting
NORM towards the stairs that lead to the Dress Circle.]

[The BOYS, SHAKE and GRANDFATHER rush after the rapidly disappearing
NORM, who by now is half way up the stairs.]

[It is empty except for two BARMAIDS poised ready to serve, standing
behind trestle tables full of drinks and sandwiches.] The dark suited MEN
enter with NORM and close behind them follows GRANDFATHER, SHAKE and the
BOYS. The group arrives at the centre of the lounge and have time to look
about and see the food b ut before they can get to it, from all
directions NEWSPAPERMEN and PHOTOGRAPHERS converge upon them.

Now begins an elaborate tug-of-war between various PHOTOGRAPHERS using
their flash attachments and REPORTERS to capture a Beatle and in the
midst of this running battle a man with a portable recorder is trying to
interview them. Together and singly the BO YS are pushed about the room
and while this goes on a hard core of NEWSPAPERMEN are busily devouring
sandwiches and pouring themselves drinks, to the annoyance of the

Every time one of the BOYS attempts to get a sandwich or a drink, it is
either too late, the plate is empty, or they are intercepted. The single
and constant thing we see in the scene is the pushing and pulling, heavy
im- personal handling; the BOYS are j ust things to be placed like still
life in one advantageous position after another. During the scene these
individual exchanges take place:

[SOUND REPORTER: What's your philosophy of life?]

[JOHN: I'm torn between Zen and I'm Alright, Jack.]

[REPORTER: Has success changed your life?]

[RINGO: Yes.]

[REPORTER: Do you like playing the guitar?]

[GEORGE: Next to kissing girls it's favourities.]

(REPORTER: ...highbrow music?)

(GEORGE: I've always liked that question.)

(JOHN: I never noted his nose until about six months ago.)

(GEORGE: And me mother asked me before we left for America if we wanted
any sandwiches.)

(RINGO: And when I plugged her in she just blew up.)

(REPORTER: Tell me how did you find America?)

(JOHN: Turn left at Greenland.)

(REPORTER: Has success changed your life?)

(GEORGE: Yes.)

(PAUL: I'd like to keep Britain tidy.)

(REPORTER: Are you a mod or a rocker?)

(RINGO: Uh, no, I'm a mocker.)

(REPORTER: (to John) Have you any hobbies?)(JOHN scribbles an answer on
a piece of paper.)

PAUL: No, actually, we're just good friends.

(REPORTER: Do you think these haircuts have come to stay?)

(RINGO: Well, this one has you know, stuck on good and proper now.)

(REPORTER: Frightfully nice.)

(REPORTER: What would you call that hairstyle you're wearing?)

(GEORGE: Arthur.)

PAUL: No, actually we're just good friends.

(RINGO: Yours are brown, aren't they?)

(REPORTER: What do you call that collar?)

(RINGO: A collar.)

(REPORTER: Do you often see your father?)

PAUL: No, actually we're just good friends.

(REPORTER: How do you like your girlfriends to dress?)

(RINGO: (laughs))

HIGH SHOT of the press reception and we see the BOYS ease their way out
[until they get to the curtained entrance to the Dress Circle; completely
unnoticed, they slip through.]

The BOYS come up the stairs into the Dress Circle proper. GRANDFATHER and
SHAKE are sitting there having a picnic of beer and sandwiches.

GEORGE: Come on - drag that was, wasn't it? Couldn't even get a jam
buttie, could you?

JOHN: No, I didn't get anything.

PAUL: (ironically, to Grandfather and Shake) Anything to spare?

GRANDFATHER: We've just finished, Pauly. George, write us your John Henry
on this picture.

[GEORGE: Sure.]

PAUL: [Ah well.] Eh, look (at that. Is that our set)!

He points, and from PAUL's P.O.V. we see on stage, the setting up of the
show, scenery and lights, cameras and sound equipment are being put into
position by a small army of studio staff. DANCERS and SINGERS are milling
about as well.

[PAUL: Let's go and muck in.]

[JOHN: Aye, before anyone stops us.]

JOHN: Well, should we go down and have a go?

They exit to rows of the Dress Circle and go through the entrance down
the narrow stairs to the stalls and on to the stage that is built and
extended right into the stalls which are partly covered up.

(PAUL: (as they are hidden from view) Come on lads, trees and

(RINGO: There's a - there's a lot of fellers for one set.)

(PAUL: I love trees.)

(GEORGE: Look at the birds.)

(PAUL: Just passing through.)

SHAKE: Where are ye?

Everyone is so busy that they hardly notice the BOYS, who wander about
and examine the studio equipment. A load of three drum sets are being
brought on stage [and a voice shouts out:]

[PAUL: Here... here. (to TECHNICIAN) How do you do?]

[RINGO: Morning.]

[PAUL: Hey Norm, have you got my guitar? We'll have a tune up.]

[VOICE: Here, what about these electric guitars?]

[SHAKE: Where are they?]

[VOICE: [back here, mate.] On the stage, down here.]

[SHAKE: (going towards the voice) coming.]

RINGO is busy setting up his drums, and MEN are setting up the other
sets. He drops a stick and the FLOOR MANAGER retrieves it and is about to
tap the drum. The FLOOR MANAGER is a languid young man.

RINGO: Leave them drums alone.

FLOOR MANAGER: Oh, surely one can have a tiny touch.

RINGO: If you so much as breathe heavy on them, I'm out on strike.

FLOOR MANAGER: Aren't you being rather arbitrary?

RINGO: That's right retreat behind a smoke screen of bourgeois cliches. I
don't go round messing about with your earphones, do I?

FLOOR MANAGER: Spoil sport!

RINGO: Well!

RINGO fusses like a mother hen clucking over his drums. The FLOOR MANAGER
is furious.

GEORGE: He's very touchy about those drums. They loom large in his

[RINGO gives his drums a defiant crash JOHN and PAUL stop whatever they
are up to and hurry over.]

PAUL: What's up?

GEORGE: (pointing) He's sulking again.

JOHN: I'll show him.

Song: "If I Fell"
[He picks up a set of drum sticks and bashes back at RINGO, who does a
more complicated drum roll. GEORGE now joins in and to PAUL's
encouragement a drum duel starts completely naturally and improvised.
During this encounter the work proceeds around them and the guitars are
brought on and SHAKE sets them to working order. PAUL first, then JOHN
and GEORGE take up their own instruments and out of the drum duel emerges
one of their numbers.]

(JOHN picks up his guitar and begins playing. The intro of the song "If I
Fell" has no percussion and RINGO sulkily continues to adjust his kit,
but by the time the song is over he is smiling and playing.)

(JOHN: Pardon, excuse.)

(RINGO: Yes?)

(JOHN: I'd like more drums, there.)

(PAUL: I think it's on the third bit... )

(GEORGE: Yes, yes.)

(JOHN: On the third bit - there - more drums.)

As the number finishes a baldheaded man, (he is the T.V. DIRECTOR) storms
down the ramp that leads from the control box under the Dress Circle.

DIRECTOR: (with over-exaggerated calm) Alright I'm sorry and let's hear
no more about it. If that's your opinion you're probably right. Look, if
you think I'm unsuitable let's have it out in the open, I can't stand
these back-stage politics.

By the end of this speech he is standing in front of JOHN who takes the
scene in his stride.

JOHN: Aren't you tending to black and white this whole situation?

DIRECTOR: Well, quite honestly I wasn't expecting "a musical arranger" to
question my ability... picture-wise.

JOHN: (to the others) I could listen to him for hours.

PAUL: [Heave too]What's all this about a musical arranger?

DIRECTOR: Mr. McCartney Senior!

The BOYS have a giggle at the very idea and at this moment GRANDFATHER
appears from behind the DIRECTOR.

GRANDFATHER: Pauly, they're trying to fob you off wid this musical
charlatan but I've given him the test.

DIRECTOR: (bravely) I'm quite happy to be replaced.

GRANDFATHER: (indicating the director) He's a typical buck-passer.

DIRECTOR: I won an award.

JOHN: A likely story.

DIRECTOR: It's on the wall in my office.

At this moment NORM comes on the stage, confident, cigar in mouth and

NORM: Hello our lot, everyone happy?

stare silently.

NORM: All right, all right. If you don't need this lot, I'll lock 'em up
in the dressing room till you do.

DIRECTOR: Please do, I'll not need them for [fifteen minutes] (half an
hour). Thank you.

He glares at GRANDFATHER who glares right back. The DIRECTOR walks away
with the FLOOR MANAGER pacifying him.

DIRECTOR: Give me a bottle of milk and some [Oblivon] (tranquilizers).
Oh, it's a plot, I see it now, it's all a plot.

(FLOOR MANAGER: Tranquilizers... )

They go left towards the backstage.

NORM: (producing key) Now, come on, I've got the key.

He leads the lads off right. RINGO is last as he is putting his drum
sticks down safely.

NORM and the BOYS turn on him.

NORM: Come ahead, Ringo. [Let's have you.]

[JOHN: Come on speedy!]

[PAUL: Ringo!]

[GEORGE: Wake up!]

RINGO glares at him and follows quickly. As the BOYS move off after NORM,
they pass the next act waiting for rehearsal. It is an elegant man in
full tails suit meticulously adjusting his cufflinks. Beside him is a
free-standing sign reading "Leslie Jackson and his ten disappearing
doves." The BOYS pass him and go through the door. GRANDFATHER stops and
looks at the performer with respect.

GRANDFATHER: [I can't tell you how much I've enjoyed your act.] (Leslie
Jackson! I saw your father in the old empire in 1909. If you're as good
as him son, you're all right.) He slaps the man on the back with happy
camaraderie. There is the sound of a dove, a few feathers fall out of the
sleeve of the man's coat and he and GRANDFATHER look down at the floor.
The man glares at GRANDFATHER, takes out a pen from his pocket, crosses
out "10" on his sign, and writes "9" in its place, puts the pen back in
his pocket [and starts towards the centre stage putting on a false
performer's smile as he does.]

The BOYS move down the narrow stairs and out of the ground floor dressing
rooms streaming with a steady flow of costumed actors and actresses. They
engulf the lads and force them against the wall - the actors are all
making for the stage door. As the actors push past the BOYS we see the
BOYS' excited faces, their mouths watering for the costumes. JOHN touch
es the costume on one actor.

JOHN: (to actor) Gear costume!

ACTOR: (eyeing him) Swop?

(JOHN: Cheeky.)

NORM: Right, first floor and no messing about.

NORM, leading the way, goes up the stairs but as they turn the first
corner they are confronted by a group of girls; a game of manners starts:
"After you," "No, after you." NORM who is ahead of the group looks down
on them in disgust.

NORM: Lennon, put them girls down or I'll tell your mother on you. (And
stop messing about.)

The BOYS let the girls pass and resume the journey, always surrounded by

(NORM: Stay in there until that rehearsal. I'm going to keep you even if
I have to put the lock in the key and turn it.)

RINGO's attention is caught by a door. He crosses and opens it, looking
out to a fire escape. The others join him and the four BOYS step through
the door and onto the fire escape.

(RINGO: We're out!)

Song: "Can't Buy Me Love"
From the BOYS' P.O.V. we see down below [into the property yard behind
the theatre. It is a long narrow yard full of old coaches, motor cars and
all the general debris of hundreds of sets from past theatre shows.
Through the piles of heaped high junk there are a couple of narrow

The BOYS scamper down the fire escape.

[When they reach the bottom, there is a large door. They open it and look

From their P.O.V. we see a large green field quite empty. The BOYS step
through the doorway into the field. We now see from a HELICOPTER SHOT the
four BOYS standing together surrounded by space. It is the first time
they have been alone and unconfined all day. They look at each other and
grin... then first GEORGE and PAUL let out a whoop and run towards the
centre of the field; after a moment JOHN and RINGO follow them. [The BOYS
pick up some loose straw and insert it under JOHN's cap and sleeves,
turning him into a scarecrow.]

The four BOYS dash about madly calling out to one another and generally
horsing around. [Out of this emerges an imaginary game of soccer and
although there is no ball the game is fast and furious. RINGO is
goalkeeper. GEORGE is the referee. JOHN has his n ame taken by the
referee. PAUL takes the penalty kick. RINGO dives the wrong way and
disgustedly kicks the imaginary ball into the back of the net.] After a
few moments the long shadow of a man falls across the grass.

MAN'S VOICE (off): I suppose you know this is private property.

The BOYS freeze. From their P.O.V. we see a big burly middle-aged man
glowering at them. The BOYS exchange rueful glances and, under the big
man's eye, mooch back towards the gateway they came in by. [JOHN]
(GEORGE) is the last to go through. He turns to the man.

[JOHN] (GEORGE): Sorry if we hurt your field, Mister.

{Note: from this point on, the sequence of scenes was significantly
changed from the original Owen script, with some scenes being moved up
(e.g., the following scene and George's scene with the director) and
others deleted (Paul's scene with the actress).}

NORM and SHAKE enter the room. The BOYS' TAILOR is there waiting for the

(NORM: Not here. Hello Dickie.)

SHAKE: Oh they've probably gone to the canteen, cup of tea, like.

NORM: That's too easy for Lennon.

(He crosses the room and sits down.)

NORM: (dramatically) He's out there somewhere, causing trouble just to
upset me.

SHAKE: You're imagining it. You're letting things prey on your mind.

NORM: Oh no... this is a battle of nerves between John and me.

SHAKE: But John hasn't got any.

NORM: What?

SHAKE: Nerves.

NORM: I know, that's the trouble. [He puffs nervously at his cigarette.]
Oh, I've toyed with the idea of a ball and chain but he'd only rattle
them at me... and in public and all. Sometimes I think he enjoys
seeing me suffer.

JOHN is behind them. JOHN, BOYS and MILLIE are walking towards each

MILLIE: (as all pass) Hello.

JOHN: (stopping... the boys carry on past, not noticing her) Hello.

MILLIE: Oh, wait a minute, don't tell me you're...

JOHN: No, not me.

MILLIE: (insistently) Oh you are, I know you are.

JOHN: No, I'm not.

MILLIE: You are.

JOHN: I'm not. No.

MILLIE: Well, you look like him.

JOHN: Oh do I? You're the first one who ever said that.

MILLIE: Oh you do, look.

JOHN looks at himself in the mirror. JOHN examines himself in the mirror

JOHN: My eyes are lighter.

MILLIE: (agreeing) Oh yes.

JOHN: And my nose...

MILLIE: Well, yes your nose is. Very.

JOHN: Is it?

MILLIE: I would have said so.

JOHN: Aye, but you know him well.

MILLIE: (indignantly) No I don't, he's only a casual acquaintance.

JOHN: (knowingly) That's what you say.

MILLIE: (suspiciously) What have you heard.

JOHN: (blandly) It's all over the place, everyone knows.

MILLIE: Is it, is it really.

JOHN: Mind you, I stood up for you, I mean I wouldn't have it.

MILLIE: I knew I could rely on you.

JOHN: (modestly) Thanks.

MILLIE touches his arm then walks away. After a moment she turns.

MILLIE: You don't look like him at all.

[JOHN winks at her and she winks back.]

(JOHN: She looks more like him than I do.)

Announcement over P.A.: "There will be a full rehearsal in ten minutes
time." GEORGE comes round the corner, [looking for RINGO,] then grins and
walks past a sign saying "Canteen and Production Office Opposite." [He
comes to the exit door crosses to a modern building across from the
theatre. He enters building.]

It is the reception room that leads to an inner office. Behind a desk
sits a smart young woman typing busily as GEORGE enters. He is surprised
when he sees the girl; she looks up and speaks to him at once.

SECRETARY: Oh, there you are!

GEORGE: Oh, I'm sorry, I must have made a mistake.

SECRETARY: (tartly) You haven't, you're just late. (She rises and
crossing over to him examines him critically.) Actually, I think he's
going to be very pleased with you.

GEORGE: [is he?] (Really?)

SECRETARY: Yes, you're quite a feather in the cap. (She crosses to the
desk and picks up the interoffice phone.) (Hello,) I've got one... oh,
I think so... yes, he can talk... Well... I think you ought to
see him. (She smiles.) (Alright) [Of course, right away].

She crosses to the interoffice door. On the door is written SIMON
MARSHAL... she opens it.

SECRETARY: Well... come on.

GEORGE: Sorry. (looking at a piece of sculpture) (You don't see many of
these nowadays, do you?)


He follows her quickly in.

A large room, part production office with models and sets, drawing board
with ground plans, the other part of the room a mixture of Pop and
Queens' magazine decor.

Behind a large desk sits SIMON MARSHAL, a bland but slightly irritable
young man of about thirty-five. He is wearing the ultimate in the current
smart set fashion. He is attended by [one] (two) underling(s) (ADRIAN)
and behind him on the wall is a poster of a girl. Across the poster is
printed, "Way Out, your own T.V. Special with Susan Campey." Director,
Simon Marshal.

SECRETARY: (proudly) Will this do, Simon?

SIMON: (looking at George) Not bad, dolly, not really bad. (He motions to
George.) Turn around, chicky baby.

GEORGE does so.

SIMON: Oh yes, a definite poss. He'll look good alongside Susan. (He
indicates the girl on the poster.) Alright, Sonny Jim, this is all going
to be quite painless. Don't breathe on me, Adrian.

ADRIAN has recognised GEORGE and is trying to stop SIMON.

GEORGE: Look, I'm terribly sorry but I'm afraid there's been some sort of
a misunderstanding.

SIMON: (sharply) Oh, you can come off it with us. You don't have to do
the old adenoidal glottal stop and carry on for our benefit.

GEORGE: I'm afraid I don't understand.

SIMON: Oh, my God, he's a natural.

SECRETARY: (anxiously) Well, I did tell them not to send us any more real

SIMON: They ought to know by now the phonies are much easier to handle.
Still he's a good type.

He now speaks to GEORGE in the loud voice that the English reserve for
foreigners and village idiots.

SIMON: We want you to give us your opinion on some clothes for teenagers.

GEORGE: Oh, by all means, I'd be quite prepared for that eventuality.

SIMON: Well, not your real opinion, naturally. It'll be written out and
you'll learn it. (to secretary) Can he read?

GEORGE: Of course I can.

SIMON: I mean lines, ducky, can you handle lines?

GEORGE: I'll have a bash.

SIMON: Good. Hart, get him whatever it is they drink, a cokearama?


SIMON: Well, at least he's polite. Show him the shirts, [Tony] (Adrian).

A collection of shirts are produced and GEORGE looks at them. While he is
doing this SIMON briefs him.

SIMON: Now, you'll like these. You really "dig" them. They're "fab" and
all the other pimply hyperboles.

GEORGE: I wouldn't be seen dead in them. They're dead grotty.

SIMON: Grotty?

GEORGE: Yeah, grotesque.

SIMON: (to secretary) Make a note of that word and give it to Susan. I
think it's rather touching really. Here's this kid trying to give me his
utterly valueless opinion when I know for a fact within four weeks he'll
be suffering from a violent inferiority complex and loss of status
because he isn't wearing one of these nasty things. Of course they're
grotty, you wretched nit, that's why they were designed, but that's what
you'll want.

GEORGE: I won't.

SIMON: You can be replaced you know, chicky baby.

GEORGE: I don't care.

SIMON: And that pose is out too, Sunny Jim. The new thing is to care
passionately, and be right wing. Anyway, you won't meet Susan if you
don't cooperate.

GEORGE: And who's this Susan when she's at home?

SIMON: (playing his ace) Only Susan Campey, our resident teenager. You'll
have to love her. She's your symbol.

GEORGE: Oh, you mean that posh bird who gets everything wrong?

SIMON: I beg your pardon?

GEORGE: Oh, yes, the lads frequently gather round the T.V. set to watch
her for a giggle. Once we even all sat down and wrote these letters
saying how gear she was and all that rubbish.

SIMON: She's a trend setter. It's her profession!

GEORGE: She's a drag. A well-known drag. We turn the sound down on her
and say rude things.

SIMON: Get him out of here!!

GEORGE: (genuinely surprised) Have I said something amiss?

SIMON: Get him out of here. He's knocking the programme's image!!

The underlings hustle GEORGE to the door.

GEORGE: (smiling) Sorry about the shirts.

He is ejected through the door.

SIMON: Get him out. (He stops in mid shout.) You don't think he's a new
phenomenon do you?

SECRETARY: You mean an early clue to the new direction?

SIMON: (rummaging in his desk) Where's the calendar? (He finds it.) No,
he's just a trouble maker. The change isn't due for three weeks. All the
same, make a note not to extend Susan's contract. Let's not take any
unnecessary chances! Hmm?

We see rehearsal and stage set up going on for an opera. Cross cut to
Control Room.)

GRANDFATHER is sneaking down the corridor, a pile of photos under his

(V.O. GIRL: He's a very clean man...)

Under the stage the usual set of wooden columns that support the stage
with lots of furniture and a single light is on; it is placed by the
orchestra's entrance to the orchestra pit. GRANDFATHER comes down the
stairs and winds his way thr ough the columns until he finds himself a
safe little cubby hole and settles himself under the light. He spreads
the signed photo of the BOYS in front of him and, adjusting an old-
fashioned pair of glasses, ballpoint pen in hand begins to copy the BOYS'
signatures on to the fresh photos, tutting at his failures and chuckling
at his successes. After a moment, there is a sound of someone coming down
the stairs. GRANDFATHER darts into a dark patch out of sight. The
menacing shadows appear on the stairway.

NORM: (V.O.) There's no one here.

SHAKE: (V.O.) Well, where have they gone?

We now see GRANDFATHER holding himself stiffly in; he is on some sort of
raised platform and he fidgets and in doing so he knocks a lever of some
sort. Slowly GRANDFATHER ascends OUT OF SHOT with a light that grows
bigger above him.

A rehearsal of the toast scene from a Strauss Operetta. The entire stage
is full of SINGERS. Glasses in hand they are singing away at each other
but in true opera trad- ition they are addressing out to the audience.
Slowly in-between the leading man and leading woman, who are about to
embrace, a stage trap opens and a blinking, surprised, GRANDFATHER
appears. Here we INTERCUT to the T.V. control room for amazed REACTION
SHOTS of the DIRECTOR and control room CREW.

Back now on the stage the toast song reaches its climax and the LEADING
MAN and WOMAN rush into each other's arms, GRANDFATHER sandwiched between

(DIRECTOR: That's wrong, isn't it? Surely that's wrong. Get him out!)

NORM: (He hears something.) [Get behind that door, they're coming.]
Someone's coming. Quick, hide!

The two men hide behind the door.

(NORM: Stop being taller than me.)

(SHAKE. It's not my fault.)

The BOYS enter the room, as JOHN is last he shuts the door and faces

JOHN: What are you doing there?

SHAKE: Hiding.

JOHN: I think you're soft or something.

NORM: We weren't hiding. We were resting.

[TAILOR: Now?]

NORM: [Now. We were trying to catch you redhanded.] I thought I told you
lot to stop here?

RINGO: Well...

NORM: When I tell you to stay put, stay put.

JOHN: (down on his knees) Don't cane me, sir, I was led astray.

NORM: Oh shurrup and come on. They're waiting for you in the studio.

RINGO: Oh gear, I feel like doing a bit of work.

NORM: God bless you, Ringo. [Good lad.]

PAUL: Oh, listen to teacher's pet.

GEORGE: You crawler.

JOHN: He's betrayed the class.

RINGO: Oh, leave off!

JOHN: Temper! Temper!

RINGO: Well...

CLOSE UP on NORM's long suffering face.

NORM: Will you all get a move on. They're waiting for you!

By this time the TAILOR has his tape stretched between his hands to
measure [GEORGE] PAUL's shoulders. But since PAUL has moved away, he is
measuring space. JOHN space. JOHN takes up his scissors and cuts the

JOHN: I now declare this bridge open.

The BOYS run out the door.

[Five beautiful MODELS are standing about in costume. One is knitting a
loose wool sweater which is almost completed. There is the sound of a
juggling act's music off and a few of the girls are looking off towards
the centre stage. At the edge of frame is a collapsible table covered
with green baize. On it are three spaced white plates.]

[From the door off stage above which is a sign "To Canteen and Production
Offices," GRANDFATHER enters eating a plate of spaghetti on toast. The
knitting GIRL sees him and, in mime, asks him to stand still so that she
can measure the swea ter against him. GRANDFATHER, eager to help, puts
his plate of food on the green table between plates two and three. He
goes to be measured with the sweater.]

[From the onstage area, a juggler's ASSISTANT (pretty girl) in costume
backs up and with the usual theatrical flourishes picks up, without
looking, plate number ONE and throws it off screen towards centre stage.
There is a drum roll from orchestra. She then throws plate number TWO. We
CUT on stage to the JUGGLER now balancing the two spinning plates on two
poles, one in each hand. He has another pole in his mouth and nods to his
ASSISTANT, asking for the THIRD plate.]

[We CUT BACK to the ASSISTANT who, still not looking, throws plate THREE
which is GRANDFATHER's. There is the sound of an orchestra raggedly
stopping and all the hangers-on in the scene look off interestedly.]

[We hear the DIRECTOR's voice.]

[DIRECTOR: (V.O.) All right, hold it, hold it... O.K. John, wipe him
down and we'll carry on with the next act.]

[We CUT TO centre stage. The JUGGLER is as before but the spaghetti is
covering his head, having slipped off the third plate.

[The FLOOR MANAGER is bustling around, trying to help.]

[We CUT BACK to backstage. GRANDFATHER has finished being measured and
goes to the green table where he put his plate down. He picks up the only
remaining plate, looks at it, wondering where his food has gone, shrugs
and heads back towards the exit door as we hear the DIRECTOR's VOICE.]

CLOSE UP on the distraught DIRECTOR.

DIRECTOR: Where are they? I said, where are they?

FLOOR MANAGER: (placating) They're coming, I promise you.

DIRECTOR: (fiercely) Now look, if they're not here on this floor in
thirty seconds there's going to be trouble... understand me...

[Two STAGE HANDS are walking disinterestedly past, they look at the

[1st STAGE HAND: What's he on about, Taff?]

[WELSH STAGE HAND: Well... he's being the director. Of course, he
lives in a world of his own, mind.]

At this moment the BOYS, NORM, SHAKE and GRANDFATHER appear. The BOYS
grab their instruments and prepare to play.

JOHN: (to the director) Standing about, eh? Some people have it dead
easy, don't they? The DIRECTOR is about to blow his top but manages to
hold on and mutter to the heavens.

DIRECTOR: (to himself) Of course, once you're over thirty, you're
finished. It's a young man's medium and I just can't take the pace.

RINGO: Are you as young as that, then?

(DIRECTOR. I was.)

[BOYS: Shurrup!]

[GRANDFATHER: Isn't it always the way? Picking on us little fellas.]

[PAUL: (to Shake) Shove the gentleman jockey in the make-up room and keep
your eye on him, will you?]

[SHAKE: I'm an electrician, not a wet nurse, y'know.]

[PAUL: (threateningly) I'll set John on you!]

[SHAKE: (hastily) Oh, anything you say Paul.]

[He leads GRANDFATHER away.]

(GEORGE: (referring to the director)Ah, there he goes. Look at him. I bet
his wife doesn't know about her.)

(JOHN: I bet he hasn't even got a wife. Look at his sweater.)

(PAUL: You never know, she might have knitted it.)

(JOHN: She knitted him.)

The BOYS are placed in position, instruments ready. The boom moves in
near them. There is a mike hovering just over JOHN's head. JOHN starts
attacking it.

DIRECTOR'S VOICE: (over Tannoy) Alright, standby. Run through the number
and try not to jiggle out of your positions. (Three, coming to you,
three... three...)

(VOICE: We're on three.)

(DIRECTOR: Three, eh? what?)

(VOICE: We're on three.)

(DIRECTOR: Oh yes. Eh... music.)

Song: "And I Love Her"
The BOYS start the number, as the stage hands adjust their settings. When
they've finished, they stand about spare. So we can watch every aspect of
their work, and with so many monitors, it gives the impression that there
are many more boys than just four. When the number ends we are back in
the studio on the floor.

(DIRECTOR: Thank you, very nice.)

The room is crowded with the usual personnel, P.A., elecs, racks, etc.,
make-up supervisor and wardrobe mistress.

DIRECTOR: [That was more or less alright for me. I'll give them one more
run through then leave them alone until the dress...] (to make-up
woman) Make-up?

MAKE-UP WOMAN: Not really, they don't need it. We'll just powder them off
for shine.

DIRECTOR: Good. Norm, get them along to make-up will you? (Powder them up
- the shine.)

NORM: (rising) Sure.

[DIRECTOR: (looking into the monitor) And hurry, they're not looking too

[From the DIRECTOR's P.O.V. we see into the monitor. The BOYS crowding
around RINGO.]

A smallish room with a line of chairs facing a wall mirror and a long
table. Each place is clearly marked and above each mirror a girl's name:
Betty, Angela, Deirdre, Jenny.

SHAKE and GRANDFATHER are sitting in splendid isolation. They are
staring each other out.

SHAKE: You blinked!

[GRANDFATHER: I never did, you did.]

The BOYS enter.

SHAKE: Hello lads. Grandfather's not talking to me - I think he's got a
sulk on.

GEORGE: It must be catching. I think he must have given it to [the champ]
(Ringo) here.

He indicated RINGO, who ignores him.

NORM: Stop picking on him.

RINGO: I don't need you to defend me y'know, Norm.

JOHN: Leave him alone, he's got a touch of the swine fever.

NORM: Sit down, the lot of you.

At this moment, several actors come into the room. They are all dressed
in the uniform of officers in Wellington's army. Together with the BOYS
they sit down, Beatles and soldiers all mixed up.

Now a group of pretty makeup GIRLS make an entrance and the BOYS herald
their arrival with a chorus of "aye aye's" and wolf whistles. JOHN
meanwhile has helped himself to a big beard and the other lads are
generally messing about with assorted makeup things.

HEAD MAKEUP GIRL: Oh, this is impossible! We'll never get you all done in

ACTOR: Well, you'll have to do us first. It makes no difference to them
whether they are made up or not. (He sees John with beard) Who's he,

JOHN: (charmingly) My name's Betty... Do you want a punch up your
frogged tunic?

(ACTOR: No...)

NORM fights his way to JOHN.

NORM: Now listen, John, behave yourself or I'll murder you and, Shake,
take that wig off, it suits you.

SHAKE has a girl's long blonde wig on. With the assistance of the girls,
NORM gets the BOYS seated into the chairs nearest the door. For some
reason RINGO now has a guardsman's busby wedged down almost over his eyes
and is sitting with it on under a hair drier, reading a copy of Queen

NORM: (to Ringo) What do you think you're up to?

RINGO: [Someone put it on me.] (Page five.)

JOHN: [Excuses, that's all we get and you know you fancy yourself in the
Coldstreams.] (You always fancied yourself as a guardsman, didn't you.)

The girls now move in and put makeup bibs on the BOYS and start to powder
them off.

(PAUL: (soulfully, into mirror) Oh, that this too, too solid flesh would
melt. (pointing hairdryer like a pistol) Zap!)

[JOHN] GEORGE: You won't interfere with the basic rugged concept of my
personality, will you, madam?

[PAUL: Eh, don't take out me lines.]

[GEORGE: Yeah, they give him that "Je ne sais quoi" rakish air.]

[The lads laugh with pleasure. RINGO decides to try a little joke.]

[RINGO: (indicating the busby he is still wearing) Short back and sides,

[The others look at him with mock disgust.]

[PAUL: Behave...]

[JOHN: Foreign devil...]

[GEORGE: Control yourself... ]

(JOHN: Say, he's reading the Queen. That's an "in" joke, you know.)

(PAUL: Shazzam!)

[GRANDFATHER has been watching the powdering process.]

GRANDFATHER: In my considered opinion you're a bunch of sissies.

[JOHN grabs a powder puff from his girl.]

[JOHN] PAUL: You know you're only jealous!

[And dabs the old man liberally with the powder much to GRANDFATHER's

NORM: Leave him alone, Lennon, or I'll tell them all the truth about you.

JOHN: You wouldn't!

NORM: I would though.

NORM goes out.

[PAUL: What's he know?]

[JOHN; Nothing, he's trying to brainwash me and give me personality
doubts... oh, he's a swine but a clever swine, mind.]

GRANDFATHER: (impatiently) Lookit, I thought I was supposed to be getting
a change of scenery and so far I've been in a train and a room, a car and
a room and a room and a room. Well, that's maybe alright for a bunch of
powdered gee-gaws like you lot but I'm feeling decidedly straight-
jacketed. [This is no life for a freebooting agent of my stamp, I'm a
frustrated man and that class of McCartney is a dangerous McCartney.]

GIRL: (admiringly) What a clean old man.

GRANDFATHER: (touchily) [You're too young for a fella of my cosmopolitan
tastes, so] don't press your luck.

JOHN: He's sex-obsessed, the older generation are leading this country to
galloping ruin.

(SHAKE: (to a hairdryer) What's a pretty girl like you doing in a place
like this?)

NORM returns leaving the door open; the BOYS hear the sound of music
coming from the studio.

NORM: They're nearly ready for you. They're just finishing the band call.

(JOHN: (to Norm, playing with his tie) I say, did you go to Harrod's? I
was there in '58, you know. (to a makeup girl) I can get you on the

(GIRL: Oh, how?)

(JOHN. Turn right here at the corridor... and go past the fire

[JOHN: (jumping up from his seat) Gear! Come on, girls, let's have a bit
of a dance.]

[JOHN'S GIRL: I don't think it's allowed.]

[JOHN: Well... it wouldn't be any fun if was!]

The BOYS drag the make-up girls out of the room and into the studio. The
GIRLS are still trying to finish making the boys up. (George and his girl
are the last ones out. They pass by a stagehand wheeling in a dummy.
John has pinned his beard to it.)

(GEORGE: (to man with dummy) ...and I don't like yours.)

[As the BOYS and MAKE-UP GIRLS dance past, we see one of the "Strauss"
singers combing his long hair straight back. Two STAGE HANDS swing a
windmachine past him and his hair is blown straight forward into a Beatle

[JOHN: (passing him) Never.]

[During dance, GEORGE takes off wig and places it on dummy, revealing
identical hair underneath.]

The work is still going on and the music is up full blast; the BOYS enter
and with the girls they start a wild dance, hippy, shake, zulu, blue
beat, the lot. LIONEL and DANCERS are doing their routine on one side of
stage... it becomes a challenge danc e between both groups. [JOHN swings
his GIRL onto the motorised CAMERA, Western style and starts to track
through the GROUP. GEORGE is on another CAMERA.]

[The whole control room crew is watching the dance on all the monitors.
The DIRECTOR is about to stop the BOYS but his GIRL P.A. glares at him,
with a shrug he lets the dance go on.]

[We now CUT between the dancers on the monitors and the BOYS actual
dancing down on the studio floor.] When the recorded music stops, they
grab their instruments and go into a number.

(JOHN: Hey kids, I've got an idea. Why don't we do the show right here!
One, two, three, four!)

[We can see every aspect of their work with so many monitors. It gives
the impression that there are more boys than just four.]

Song: "I'm Happy Just to Dance with You"

When the song ends we are back on the studio on the floor.

(JOHN: Ah, very good, that George.)

(PAUL: We're trying.)

[DIRECTOR'S VOICE OVER TANNOY: Thank you, gentlemen, you can break now
while we push on with the show.]

[The BOYS acknowledge this with a quaver of guitar chords and a drum
roll. NORM is on them at once.]

NORM: That was great, you've got about an hour but don't leave the
theatre. (Where are you going, John?)

JOHN grabs the arm of a sexy girl dancer.

JOHN: She's going to show me her stamp collection.

PAUL: (grabs a showgirl) So's mine.

(GIRL: But I haven't got any stamps.)

[NORM grabs JOHN's arm.]

NORM: John, I was talking to you. The final run-through is important.
Understand, important!

JOHN: (like a pig) Oink! Oink!

They dash off with the two beauties.

GRANDFATHER is hovering in the background with SHAKE.

GRANDFATHER: I want me a cup of tea.

NORM: Shake.

SHAKE: I'm adjusting the decibels on the inbalance.

NORM: Clever. (He turns.) George!

But GEORGE is [disappearing out the door] plugging his ears. NORM turns

NORM: Ringo, look after him, will you?

RINGO: But, Norm...

NORM: Do I have to raise me voice?

RINGO: (choked) Oh, alright. Come here, Grandad. (I'm a drummer, not a
wet nurse.)

And the two of them walk off, RINGO leading.

[A man, whose act is playing tunes by hitting himself on the head, is
swallowing a handful of aspirin tablets. He starts rehearsing his act,
which consists of throwing his head back and slapping his cheeks. Next to
him, a JUGGLER is practising with four table tennis balls.]

[GRANDFATHER passes him and bumps his arm slightly. Only 3 balls come
down. There is the sound of coughing off.]

[We CUT TO THE HEAD-PLAYER being patted on the back. The ball drops out
of his mouth and bounces slowly on the studio floor.]

The canteen is about half full of actors many of which are dressed as
Nazi soldiers, with mock blood bandages and arm bands. Also there are a
sprinkling of T.V. people. At a table sits GRANDFATHER and RINGO. RINGO
is deeply engrossed in a book and GRANDFA THER has a near empty cup of
tea in front of him. The old man is bored and looks about him slyly.

He then looks at RINGO who is innocently occupied, a malicious gleam
comes into GRANDFATHER's eye. He decides to have a go at RINGO and sits
staring at him. RINGO gradually becomes aware of the stare and shifts
uncomfortably then tries to continue reading his book.

GRANDFATHER: (disgustedly to no one in particular) Will you ever look at
him, sitting there wid his hooter scraping away at that book!

RINGO: Well... what's the matter with that?

GRANDFATHER: (taking the book from him) Have you no natural resources of
your own? Have they even robbed you of that?

RINGO: (snatching back his book) You can learn from books.

GRANDFATHER: Can you now? Aah... sheeps heads! You learn more by
getting out there and living.

RINGO: Out where?

GRANDFATHER: Any old where... but not our little Richard... oh no!
When you're not thumping them pagan skins, you're tormenting your eyes
wid that rubbish!

RINGO: (defiantly) Books are good!

GRANDFATHER: (countering) Parading's better!

RINGO: Parading?

GRANDFATHER: [marching up and down the canteen] Parading the streets...
trailing your coat... bowling along... living!

RINGO: Well, I am living, aren't I?

GRANDFATHER: You're living, are you? When was the last time you gave a
girl a pink-edged daisy? When did you last embarrass a sheila wid your
cool appraising stare?

RINGO: Eh... you're a bit old for that sort of chat, aren't you?

GRANDFATHER: At least I've a backlog of memories, but all you've got is
that book!

RINGO: Aaah... stop picking on me... you're as bad as the rest of

GRANDFATHER: So you are a man after all.

RINGO: What's that mean?

GRANDFATHER: Do you think I haven't noticed... do you think I wasn't
aware of the drift? Oh... you poor unfortunate scruff, they've driven
you into books by their cruel, unnatural treatment, exploiting your good

RINGO: (not too sure) Oh... I dunno.

GRANDFATHER: (confidingly) And that lot's never happier than when they're
jeering at you... and where would they be without the steady support
of your drum beat, I'd like to know.

RINGO: Yeah... that's right.

GRANDFATHER: And what's it all come to in the end?

RINGO: (defensively) Yeah... what's in it for me?


RINGO: Yeah... a bloomin' book!

He throws the book down.

GRANDFATHER: When you could be out there betraying a rich American widow
or sipping palm wine in Tahiti before you're too old like me. [A fine
neat and trim lad the class of you should be helping himself to life's
goodies before the sands run out. Being an old age pensioner's a terrible
drag on a man and every second you waste is bringing you nearer the
Friday queue at the Post Office.]

RINGO: Yeah... funny really, cos I'd never thought of it but being
middle-aged and old takes up most of your time, doesn't it?

GRANDFATHER: (nodding) You're only right.

[RINGO: (nodding back) I'm not wrong.]

There is a pause then RINGO rises and crosses to the door.

GRANDFATHER: Where are you [off to] (going)?

RINGO: I'm going parading before it's too late!

RINGO leaves and GRANDFATHER [laughs at what he has done] then realizes
its full meaning and looks worried.

RINGO comes along the corridor then down the narrow stairs. Half way down
he comes face to face with GEORGE who is coming up the stairs.

GEORGE: Eh, Ringo, do you know what happened to me?

RINGO: (passing him) No. I don't.

As he goes round the corner RINGO turns on the surprised GEORGE.

RINGO: You want to stop being so scornful, it's twisting your face.

JOHN and PAUL are chatting up a couple of girls, when they see RINGO
approaching they break off the conversation.

JOHN: (Did I tell you about...) here he is, the middle-aged boy

RINGO looks at JOHN hard.

PAUL: Eh. I thought you were looking after the old man.

[RINGO: (with simple dignity) Get knotted!]

PAUL and JOHN gape at him. For good measure RINGO takes a quick
photograph of them before he leaves them flabbergasted and walks off into
the street.

PAUL: We've got only half an hour till the final run-through. He can't
walk out on us.

JOHN: Can't he? He's done it, son!

GEORGE runs towards them.

GEORGE: Hey, [I don't know if you realize it, but] (you know what

PAUL: We (know) [do].

GEORGE: Yes. Your grandfather's stirred him up.

PAUL: He hasn't.

GEORGE: Yes, he's filled his head with notions seemingly.

PAUL: The old mixer, come on we'll have to put him right.

The three of them go into the street.

The BOYS look up and down but RINGO has completely disappeared.

PAUL: Split up and look for him [he can't be far].

They now all start to go off in the same direction, they pause, there are
three roads they can take but each time they begin to move they all go
the same way.

JOHN: [It's happened at last,] we've become a limited company.

(GEORGE. I'll look in here again.)

PAUL gives him a push to the left and GEORGE to the right and going
straight ahead himself they part and go their separate ways.

RINGO is walking along taking photographs with his camera when some girls
recognise him and start to follow him. They quicken their pace and RINGO
runs ahead of them. In the background a policeman watches him. He turns
and comes into another street. He sees a second-hand clothes shop with a
sign saying "We Buy Anything" and enters the shop [just before the
pursuing girls come round the corner. The girls stand about looking in
all directions.] After a moment RINGO comes out of the shop. He is
wearing a long mackintosh and a natty cap pulled well down. [He is
ignored by the girls who don't recognise him. Realising this he goes back
and ogles one of them.] Another girl is passing by the shop. RINGO smiles
at her. She glares at him.

(RINGO: Hello there.)

GIRL: Get out of it, [short house] shorty!

[Close up on RINGO's secret but happy smile as he walks briskly down the

(RINGO attaches time mechanism onto camera, places it on log stump by
river, steps back, presses injector. The camera falls backwards into
river. RINGO hauls it out.)

RINGO kicks at a brick. He kicks stylishly but misses so tries again,
misses again, but finally kicks the stone which doesn't budge so he bends
down and pulls it out of the ground. It is quite big. Having got it he
now decides to throw it away. As he does so the same POLICEMAN rides past
on a bicycle.

POLICEMAN: Ain't you got no more bleeding sense than to go round chucking
bricks about.

Before RINGO has time to answer the man has disappeared.

RINGO: (shouting after him) Southerner!

He looks at the canal water moodily (and starts to photograph unimportant
things). At this moment a large lorry tyre rolls down the incline and
bashes him slap in the back, sprawling him on the path, the tyre on top
of him. A small BOY appears after the tyre and stands over the prostrate

BOY: Here, mate, that's my hoop, stop playing with it.

RINGO: Hoop, this isn't a hoop it's a lethal weapon. Have you got a
licence for it?

BOY: Oh don't be so stroppy!

RINGO: (getting up) Well! A boy of your age bowling "hoop" at people. How
old are you anyway?

BOY: (aggressively) [Nine] (Eleven.)

RINGO: Bet you're only [eight and a half.] (ten and a half.)

BOY: (countering swiftly) [Eight and two thirds] (Ten and two thirds.)

RINGO: Well, there you are and [watch it with that hoop] (don't be
bowling it at people).

[BOY: Gerron out of it, you're only jealous 'cause you're old.]

[RINGO: Shurrup!]

[BOY: I bet you're (searching for an age) - sixteen!]

[RINGO: Fifteen and two thirds, actually.]

[BOY: Well.]

[RINGO: Alright take your hoop and bowl.]

He moves off and the BOY follows.

BOY: Oh you can have it, I'm packing it in - it depresses me.

RINGO: Y'what?

BOY: You heard, it gets on my wick.

RINGO: Well that's lovely talk, that is. And another thing, why aren't
you at school.

BOY: I'm a deserter.

RINGO: [(smiling in spite of himself)] Are you now?

BOY: Yeah, I've blown school out.

RINGO: Just you?

BOY: No, Ginger, Eddy Fallon and Ding Dong.

RINGO: Ding Dong? Oh Ding Dong Bell, eh?

BOY: Yeah, that's right, they was supposed to come with us but they

RINGO: (Yeah?) And they're your mates (are they)?

BOY: (sighing) Yeah.

RINGO: Not much cop without 'em, is it?

BOY: (defensively) Oh, it's alright.

[RINGO: (disbelievingly) Yeah?]

[BOY: Yeah.]

RINGO: What're they like?

BOY is glad to have something to talk about.

BOY: (enthusiastically) Ginger's mad, he says things all the time and
Eddy's good at punching and spitting.

RINGO: How about Ding Dong?

BOY: He's a big head and he fancies himself with it but it's alright 'cos
he's one of the gang.

RINGO nods his head understandingly and they mooch on together.

BOY: Why aren't you at work?

RINGO: I'm a deserter, too.

BOY: Oh.

At this moment a child's voice shouts out "Charley" and from RINGO's
P.O.V. we see three kids. RINGO turns to the BOY and looks at them

BOY: (to Ringo) See you.

The BOY runs off to join his mates. As he joins them they punch and
scuffle together. They are obviously a gang. RINGO is left alone.

(VOICE: Come in number 7 your time's up.)

{Note: this is where George's scene with the producer was originally to
have occurred}

The atmosphere is tense. GRANDFATHER is standing miserable in front of
the director, the criminal confronted by the judge. SHAKE and NORM are
flanking him grimly.

GRANDFATHER: I'm sorry lads, I didn't mean it, honest.

DIRECTOR: If he says that again, I'll strike him.

[SHAKE] (NORM): (unconvincingly) They'll be back, they're good lads,
they'll be back.

DIRECTOR: Yes? Well we've got only [ten] twenty minutes to the final run

GRANDFATHER: I meant no harm. I was only trying to encourage little Ringo
to enjoy himself.

NORM: (grimly, C.U.) God knows what you've unleashed on the unsuspecting
South. It'll be wine, women and song all the way with Ringo once he's got
the taste for it.

The sign on the pub is Liverpool Arms. RINGO is standing looking up at
it. He decides to go in and does so.]

CLOSE UP on RINGO. He is eating a bone dry sandwich that curls up at the
end. He puts it down with disgust. He has a lager glass in his hand.

BARMAID: (accusingly) That was fresh this morning.

We now see the pub is full of enormous cockney workmen downing pints.
RINGO is very much alone. He moves away from the bar towards a group
that is standing together, They're an average height of over six foot.
There is a group at a dart board. Another gr oup is playing bar skittles
and a third group is around a pinball table. Near the bar is a shove-
halfpenny board with two players. There is a caged parrot nearby.

BARMAID: (to Ringo) That'll be two and nine.

RINGO fumbles some change out of his pocket.

A few coppers fall from his hand on to the shove-halfpenny board just as
the crucial point has been made. The men glare at him. Embarrassed, he
moves away and without looking, places his glass on the skittles table
just as a player swings the string, whic h hits Ringo's glass. [More
embarrassed, RINGO backs away, unfortunately into the pin table just as a
winning score is about to be reached. He bumps it very slightly, but
enough to cause it to TILT.]

He then moves to the dart board. By this time most of the pub is staring
at him. With great style he takes the darts. The first throw goes into a
cheese sandwich which a man is pointing in demonstration. The second we
see arrive into a pint of bitter and then we see RINGO shoot the third
dart and hear the sound of the parrot shouting angrily, off.

The BARMAID has had enough.

BARMAID: Right... On your way!

RINGO: Y'what?

BARMAID: You heard, on your way, troublemaker!

Now the centre of attention, RINGO backs out of the pub, followed by
every eye in the place, the BARMAID and a few players following him to
the door...

RINGO comes out and crosses road, watched by the POLICEMAN who is now
quite suspicious.

(TRADESMAN: Hey, watch it.)

[PAUL comes down the street looking about him for RINGO. In the street is
an old building, the sort of place that is highly favoured for TV
rehearsals. There is a sign on the door, "TV Rehearsal Room."As PAUL
draws near, a load of actors and extras, etc., are leaving. They are in
costume; they are the ones who earlier had been going to a word
rehearsal. When PAUL gets near the entrance he decides to go inside.]

[PAUL enters and wanders about. He reaches a door, pushes it open and
looks in. He sees a GIRL clad in period costume. She is moving around the
room and obviously acting. PAUL watches her for a moment and then decides
to go in.]

[PAUL goes into the room. The GIRL is in midflight. She is very young and
lovely and completely engrossed in what she is doing. The room is
absolutely empty except for PAUL and herself. She is acting in the manner
of an eighteenth-century coquette, or, to be precise, the voice English
actresses use when they think they are being true to the costume
period... her youth however makes it all very charming.]

[GIRL: If I believed you, sir, I might do those things and walk those
ways only to find myself on Problems Path. But I cannot believe you and
all those urgings, serve only as a proof that you will lie and lie again
to gain your purpose with me.]

[She dances lightly away from an imaginary lover and as she turns she
sees PAUL who is as engrossed in the scene as she was.]

[GIRL: (surprised) Oh!]

[PAUL: (enthusiastically) Well... go 'head, do the next bit.]

[GIRL: Go away! You've spoilt it.]

[PAUL: Oh, sorry I spoke.]

[He makes no attempt to go. He simply continues to look steadily at the
girl; then he smiles at her. She is undecided what to do next.]

[GIRL: Are you supposed to be here?]

[PAUL: I've got you worried, haven't I?]

[GIRL: I'm warning you, they'll be back in a minute.]

[PAUL: D'you know something, "They" don't worry me at all. Any road, I
only fancy listening to you... that's all but if it worries you...

[GIRL: You're from Liverpool, aren't you?]

[PAUL: (ironically) How'd you guess?]

[GIRL: (seriously) Oh, it's the way you talk.]

[PAUL: (innocently) Is it... is it, really?]

[GIRL: (suspiciously) Are you pulling my leg?]

[PAUL: (looking her straight in the eye) Something like that.]

[GIRL: (unsure) I see. (airily) Do you like the play?]

[PAUL: Yeah... I mean, sure, well, I took it at school but I only ever
heard boys and masters saying those lines, like, sounds different on a
girl. (smiles to himself) Yeah, it's gear on a girl.]

[GIRL: Gear?]

[PAUL: Aye, the big hammer, smashing!]

[GIRL: Thank you.]

[PAUL: Don't mench... well, why don't you give us a few more lines,

[GIRL pouts.]

[PAUL: You don't half slam the door in people's faces, don't you? I mean,
what about when you're playing the part, like, hundreds of people'll see
you and...]

[GIRL: (cutting in) I'm not...]

[PAUL: Oh, you're the understudy, sort of thing?]

[GIRL: No. (aggressively) I'm a walk-on in a fancy dress scene. I just
felt like doing those lines.]

[PAUL: Oh, I see. You are an actress though, aren't you?]

[GIRL: Yes.]

[PAUL: Aye, I knew you were.]

[GIRL: What's that mean?]

[PAUL: Well, the way you were spouting, like... (he imitates her) "I
don't believe you, sir..." and all that. Yeah it was gear.]

[GIRL: (dryly) The big hammer?]

[PAUL: (smiling) Oh aye, a sledge.]

[GIRL: But the way you did it then sounded so phony.]

[PAUL: No... I wouldn't say that... just like an actress... you
know. (He moves and stands about like an actress.)]

[GIRL: But that's not like a real person at all.]

[PAUL: Aye well, actresses aren't like real people, are they?]

[GIRL: They ought to be.]

[PAUL: Oh, I don't know, anyroad up, they never are, are they?]

[GIRL: (teasingly) What are you?]

[PAUL: I'm a group; I mean... I'm in a group... well... there
are four of us, we play and sing.]

[GIRL: I bet you don't sound like real people.]

[PAUL: We do, you know. We sound like us having a ball. It's fab.]

[GIRL: Is it really fab or are you just saying that to convince

[PAUL: What of? Look, I wouldn't do it unless I was. I'm dead lucky 'cos
I get paid for doing something I love doing. (He laughs and with a
gesture takes in the whole studio.)... all this and a jam butty too!!]

[GIRL: I only enjoy acting for myself. I hate it when other people are
let in.]

[PAUL: Why? I mean, which are you, scared or selfish?]

[GIRL: Why selfish?]

[PAUL: Well, you've got to have people to taste your treacle toffee.]

[She looks at him in surprise.]

[PAUL: No, hang on, I've not gone daft. You see when I was little me
mother let me make some treacle toffee one time in our back scullery.
When I'd done she said to me, "Go and give some to the other kids." So, I
said I would but I thought to meself, "She must think I'm soft." Any
road, I was eating away there but I wanted somebody else to know how good
it was so in the end I wound up giving it all away... but I didn't
mind cos I'd made the stuff in the first place. Well... that's why you
need other people... an audience... to taste your treacle toffee,
like. Eh... does that sound as thickheaded to you as it does to me?]

[GIRL: Not really but I'm probably not a toffee maker. How would you do
those lines of mine?]

[PAUL: Well, look at it this way, I mean, when you come right down to it,
that girl, she's a bit of a scrubber, isn't she?]

[GIRL: Is she?]

{Lester substituted the following sixteen exchanges of dialogue between
Paul and the girl for the previous dialogue.}

[GIRL: I only enjoy acting for myself. I hate it when other people are
let in.]

[PAUL: Why? I mean, which are you, scared or selfish?]

[GIRL: Why selfish?]

[PAUL: Well, doing it for yourself. Aw come off it, you know you're doing
it for them.]

[He indicates people in the street.]

[GIRL: Them?]

[PAUL: Yeah, look when I was a kid in Speke there was this fella - Joe or
something - I can't remember his... he was a dustman, collected bins
and that... well he was always giving kids bikes.]

[GIRL: Bikes?]

[PAUL: Yeah - I know it sounds daft but he did - gave the kids bikes,
scruffy thing he was, but he'd buy these old bikes do 'em up and give
them away; all the kids were mad about him. Never gave me one but that
was alright. He was always giving spare kids a bike. Well you could be
like that. Eh, look at that fella (he points to street) down there. If
you share out your acting with him you could make his day.]

[GIRL: Could I?]

[PAUL: Of course you could, stands to reason.]

[GIRL: Oh, I don't know.]

[PAUL: Nobody does till they try.]

[GIRL: Alright, how would you do those lines of mine.]

[PAUL: Well, look at it this way, I mean, when you come right down to it,
that girl, she's a bit of a scrubber isn't she?]

[GIRL: Is she?]

[PAUL: Of course... Look, if she was a Liverpool scrubber... (PAUL
starts acting a Liverpool girl; he minces about then turns, extending his
leg.) Eh, fella, you want to try pulling the other one, it's got a full
set of bells hanging off it. Y'what?... know your sort, two cokes and
a packet of cheese and onion crisps and suddenly it's love and we're
stopping in an empty shop doorway. You're just after me body and y'can't
have it... so there!]

[GIRL: (shattered) And you honestly think that's what she meant?]

[PAUL: Oh, definitely, it sticks out a mile, she's trying to get him to
marry her but he doesn't want... well... I don't reckon any fella's
ever wanted to get married. But girls are like that, clever and cunning.
You've got to laugh. (He laughs.)]

[GIRL: Well, it's nice to know you think we're clever.]

[PAUL: (grinning) And cunning.]

[GIRL: And what do you do about it?]

[PAUL: Me? Oh, I don't have the time, I'm always running about with the
lads... no, we don't have the time.]

[GIRL: Pity.]

[PAUL: (not noticing the invitation) Aye, it is but as long as you get
by, it's alright, you know... bash on, happy valley's when they let
you stop. Anyroad, I'd better get back.]

[GIRL: Yes.]

[PAUL: (going) See you.]

[GIRL: Of course.]

[PAUL stands at the doorway, shrugs then goes out.]

[The DIRECTOR is pacing up and down the corridor. NORM is also walking up
and down, SHAKE is leaning against the wall (whistling) quite
unconcerned. NORM gives SHAKE a push.]

NORM: Shake,

SHAKE: What?

NORM: Worry, will you!

[SHAKE adjusts his features to a worrying expression.]

DIRECTOR: (bitterly) Well, that's it, two minutes to the final run
through... They're bound to miss it...

NORM: I'll murder that Lennon.

DIRECTOR: But I suppose we can survive a missed runthrough as long...

SHAKE:... as they head up for the show. Oh yes, well I mean it'ud be a
pity to miss the show, wouldn't it like.

NORM: Shurrup, cheerful.

The horrible prospect hits the DIRECTOR.

DIRECTOR: You don't think...

NORM: (reassuring him) Don't worry.

DIRECTOR: Oh now, they can't do that to me. (turning on Norm) It's all
your fault. (overriding Norm) Oh yes it is and if they don't turn up I
wouldn't be in your shoes for all the...

SHAKE: (helping out)... tea in China. Oh you're right, neither would

He steps away from NORM and stands near the DIRECTOR.

NORM: You dirty traitor!

SHAKE nods his agreement to this assessment of his character.

SHAKE: Of course.

(DIRECTOR. Yes, of course.)

At this moment JOHN, GEORGE and PAUL enter from the stage door. They are
completely unconcerned and walk past the DIRECTOR, SHAKE and NORM.

JOHN: (as he passes by) Hi Norm!

NORM: (preoccupied) Hi, John. [Hi, our lot]

The BOYS walk on when after a moment NORM snaps to.

NORM: John! [Our lot!]

GEORGE: (mildly) Did you want something.

NORM: (beaming with delight) I could eat the lot of you.

JOHN: You'd look gear with an apple in your gob.

DIRECTOR: (accusingly) Do you realise you could have missed the final run

GEORGE: Sorry about that.

SHAKE: Norm, there's only three of them.

PAUL: Aye, we were looking for Ringo. But we realised he must have come

DIRECTOR: Do you realise we are on the air, live, in front of an
audience, in forty-five minutes and you're one short.

JOHN: Control yourself or you'll spurt. He's bound to be somewhere.

NORM: Aye, let's try the dressing room. Shake...

(DIRECTOR: Yes, the dressing room.)

Everyone starts along the passage. NORM and PAUL last.

PAUL: Eh, where's my grandfather?

NORM: Don't worry about him. He can look after himself.

PAUL: Aye, I suppose so.

They run after the others.

CLOSE UP GRANDFATHER: Personally signed and handwritten by your own sweet
boys. The chance of a lifetime. Be the envy of your less fortunate

The CAMERA PULLS back and we see GRANDFATHER is surrounded by girls who
have broken from the queue and are doing a brisk trade with the old man.
He has a large sign on which is written: "Get your genuine autographed
Beatles photographs." On the edge of the crowd two POLICEMEN are trying
to force the girls back into the queue. Finally they wade through the
girls and confront GRANDFATHER. They look at the old man quizzically; he
stares back coldly. They indicate he should hop it and quick but
GRANDFATHER defiantly glares back at them. So with a sigh, they grab an
arm each and escort the old man off.

In the street, workmen are collecting shovels, drinking tea and doing all
the things people do around building sites. RINGO mooches around. In the
road is a hole with a diameter of about three feet, and at least six feet
deep. RINGO looks down and a man is busily working at the bottom of the
hole. He glares at RINGO. After a moment RINGO turns away. We now see a
very elegant young lady coming towards RINGO. She is daintily avoiding a
series of puddles. RINGO has an idea and does a Sir Walter Raleigh with
his large Mac spreading it over one of the puddles.

(GIRL: Thank you.)

The girl walks across it smiling graciously. RINGO proceeds with the coat
to the next puddle and to the next backing gradually towards the hole. At
last he spreads the coat, without noticing what he is doing, over the
hole. The girl steps onto the coat and disappears sharply. RINGO looks
down the hole where the girl is held in the workman's arms. The WORKMAN
rises out of the manhole until he is waist height. [At this point an
elegantly dressed gentleman appears (the girl's husband) he looks at his
wife in the WORKMAN's arms and hits the WORKMAN.] RINGO backs away
through the puddles, and is nicked by the POLICEMAN.

(POLICEMAN. Got you, you nasty little person, you.)

(RINGO: Ow... Yeah.)

It is the reception desk and behind it is the DESK SERGEANT. After a
moment RINGO is dragged in by the POLICEMAN we saw him with before.

RINGO: Look, I'm Ringo Starr... I've got a show to do in a few minutes
you've got to let me go... I'm Ringo.

POLICEMAN: Sure, they all say that these days... Anyway... I don't
care who you are... you can save that for the stipendary. Here you are

SERGEANT: What is he?

POLICEMAN: (reeling off the list) I've got a little list here. Wandering
abroad. Malicious intent. Acting in a suspicious manner. Conduct liable
to cause a breach of the peace. You name it, he's done it.

SERGEANT: Oh, a little savage, is he?

POLICEMAN: A proper little Aborigine.

RINGO: (on his dignity) I demand to see me solicitor.

SERGEANT: What's his name?

RINGO: Oh, well if you're going to get technical.

At that moment there is a loud series of noises off camera, furious
shouting and dull crashes of wood.

SERGEANT: Hello, it's going to be one of those nights, is it. (to
policeman) Sit Charley Peace down over there.

The POLICEMAN takes RINGO to a bench and sits him down as GRANDFATHER and
the two POLICEMEN who were with him enter. The sign is tattered and is
being lugged after them.

GRANDFATHER: Well, you got me here so do your worst but I'll take one of
you with me. (kicks the nearest policeman) Oh, I know your game, get me
in the tiled room and out come the rubber hoses [but I'll defy you

SERGEANT: Is there a fire, then?

GRANDFATHER leans across the desk and hisses at the SERGEANT.

GRANDFATHER: You ugly, great brute you, you have sadism stamped all over
your bloated British kisser.


GRANDFATHER: I'll go on a hunger strike. I know your caper. The kidney
punch and the rabbit-clout. The third degree and the size twelve boot

SERGEANT: What's he on about?

GRANDFATHER: (squaring up) I'm soldier of the Republic, you'll need the
mahogany truncheon for this boyo. A nation once again. A nation once

SERGEANT: (to policemen) Get Lloyd George over there with that mechanic
in the cloth cap while I sort this lot out.

(POLICEMAN. Sit down over here.)

The POLICEMEN hurtle GRANDFATHER firmly but gently over to the bench on
which RINGO is sitting and then return to the desk for a whispered
conference with the SERGEANT. Meanwhile in full conspiratorial fashion
GRANDFATHER talks to RINGO out of the side of his mouth.

GRANDFATHER: Ringo, me old scout, they grabbed yer leg for the iron too,
did they?

RINGO: Well I'm not exactly a voluntary patient.

GRANDFATHER: Shush! Have they roughed you up yet?

RINGO: What?

GRANDFATHER: (whispering) [Keep your voice down, this lot'll paste you,
just for the exercise.] Oh they're a desperate crew of drippings and
they've fists like matured hams for pounding defenceless lads like you.

(SERGEANT: So that's it, eh?)

[RINGO: (disturbed) Have they?]

GRANDFATHER: [That sergeant's a bodyblow veteran if ever I measured one.]
One of us has got to escape. I'll get the boys. Hold on son, I'll be back
for you.

RINGO: (horrified) Me!

GRANDFATHER: And if they get you on the floor watch out for your brisket.

RINGO: (hopefully) Oh, they seem alright to me.

GRANDFATHER: That's what they want you to think. All coppers are

SERGEANT: (calling) Would you two like a cup of tea?

GRANDFATHER: You see, sly villains.

RINGO: (miserable) No thanks, Mr. Sergeant, sir. (No, not for me. Please

We now have a CLOSE SHOT of POLICEMEN 'round the sergeant's desk.

SERGEANT: So you just brought the old chap out of the crowd for his own

POLICEMAN: [Yeah, but he insisted on us bringing him to the station.]
(Well, he was getting a bit nasty, you see, so we had to bring him in.)

SERGEANT: Well, he can't stop here. (This is the stuff he's been hawking
'round is it?)

[Shot of GRANDFATHER watching POLICEMEN intently and muttering words as
he does.]

(POLICEMAN: Yes Sergeant, photographs.)

(SERGEANT ...Photographs... )

[RINGO: What are you doing?]

[GRANDFATHER: Lip reading.]

[RINGO: What are they saying?]

[GRANDFATHER: Nothing good.]

[The POLICEMEN make a move towards GRANDFATHER and RINGO.]

GRANDFATHER: Well son, it's now or never.

He jumps to his feet and scurries towards the door.

GRANDFATHER: Alright, you paid assassins. Johnny McCartney'll give you a
run for your threepence ha'penny.

He dashes out of the door followed by the POLICEMAN who has his pile of

(POLICEMAN. Hey, you forgot your photographs.)

[SERGEANT: Now, what's he up to?]

[RINGO: He's allergic to bobbies, especially English bobbies.]

[The POLICEMAN with the photos returns.]

[POLICEMAN: (Irish accent) Your man disappeared like a leveret over a

[RINGO: Turncoat!]

[The POLICEMEN turn on RINGO and walk towards him. CLOSE UP RINGO]

[RINGO: Mother!]

[GRANDFATHER is running at top speed down the street. He is breathing
heavily and runs as if pursued by the hounds of hell. The street however
is entirely empty and no one is even in sight. As he reaches the top of
the street he pauses and turning, looks around him. From his P.O.V. we
see just how empty the street is and heaving a sigh of relief GRANDFATHER
cackles to himself. His triumph is short lived. At this precise moment
down the street comes a parade of police vehicles, a Black Maria, an
escorting police motor bike patrol and an ordinary squad car. The
procession draws up and the street is full of policemen getting out of
the Black Maria and squad car and off motor bikes. CLOSE UP GRANDFATHER's
horrified face.]

[GRANDFATHER: Be God, they've called up reinforcements, the dragnet's
out!] [He dashes off wildly in the general direction of the theatre. He
has been completely unnoticed by the policemen who are lining up for a
last minute inspection by the inspector in charge. The inspector is like
a commander-in-chief of a spear-head attack force.]

[They smartly march off in the direction taken by GRANDFATHER.]

DIRECTOR: (watching the clock) Only half an hour and you're on!

GEORGE: Can I say something?

The director clutches at any straw.

DIRECTOR: (hopefully) Yes, anything.

GEORGE: (earnestly) It's highly unlikely we'll be on... I mean the law
of averages are against you and it seems that, etc., etc.... (I think
if we could get the juggler on with a couple more clubs, that would fill
in for a bit of time.)

But his speech is drowned by the pitiful moans of the Director.

Grandfather, still running, suddenly breaks into a forced nonchalance as
he nears the theatre. The [four little boys from the canal] (three little
boys) are being driven away by the security guard.

GUARD: (going back into theatre) I'll have the hides off of you lot.

The kids retreat as GRANDFATHER pants into shot, ignoring the kids he
enters the stage door but in a second he is out again, grasped firmly by
the collar by the security guard. The queue laughs.

GUARD: You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Go home!

GRANDFATHER: I must see Pauly.

GUARD: Go home then and see him on the telly.

The GUARD re-enters the stage door. GRANDFATHER looks around him and sees
the [four kids.] (three kids). He hustles over and after a whispered
conference we hear his offer.

GRANDFATHER: Can you fix him for me?

BOYS: Yeah.


BOY: Each.

GRANDFATHER is about to argue.

[GRANDFATHER: Oh, all right.]

BOY: In advance.

GRANDFATHER: Mercenaries!

But he hands over the money. The kids rush in the stage door and after a
moment the furious GUARD chases them out and down the alley. GRANDFATHER,
chuckling, nips in the door.

GRANDFATHER is being chased by several studio attendants, he is dodging
behind equipment. He finally gets on a sound boom trolley and uses it as
a weapon to keep his pursuers at bay.

The DIRECTOR, BOYS, and NORM and SHAKE see GRANDFATHER on the monitors.
They dash out of the room and on to the stage.

DIRECTOR: (shouting) It's all right, leave him alone.

(P.A.: What's up Richard?)

(GRANDFATHER: Pauly, where are you?)

PAUL: Grandad, where's Ringo?

GRANDFATHER: The police have the poor unfortunate lad in the Bridewell.

BOYS: The Police Station?

GRANDFATHER: He'll be pulp by now.

[JOHN: What are we waiting for?]

[GEORGE: Come here.]

(NORM: Go and get him.)

[DIRECTOR: Quickly now - quickly hurry now.]

(BEATLES: (off) We'll get him, Norm. (Bark like dogs.))

DIRECTOR: We've only got twenty minutes.

PAUL, JOHN and GEORGE come running down the street in single file, their
knees high in the air, they skid to a halt at the police station and
without pausing they dash inside. After a moment they reappear only this
time RINGO (and a POLICEMAN) are behind them. They dash off down the

Song: "Can't Buy Me Love"
They are followed at once by ten policeman also in single file. They are
also pounding along knees high in the air. The BOYS and the coppers
disappear around the corner. (RINGO comes out of the station last, looks
around to see what direction the others t ook, then chases after them.)

(We see a THIEF attempting to open a car door. When he hears
approaching footsteps, he pretends to file his nails. The BEATLES,
pursued by the cops, run past him and then back again. He falls down.)

Having hit a dead end cul-de-sac, they reappear from the other direction,
then run down the street still followed by the policemen. When they reach
the police station another group of police bars their way so they are
forced to run up the stairs and inside.

The DESK SERGEANT is standing behind his desk looking very surprised. At
this moment the boys run in and stand panting in front of the desk.
Before the Sergeant can start speaking the pursuing policemen arrive.
They, too, are out of breath. Singing stops.

SERGEANT: What is all this?

JOHN: (heaving and panting) Hold on until we get our breath.

The boys and policemen pant on until JOHN seems to have recovered.

SERGEANT: All right now?

JOHN: Sure. (to boys) Ready?

Singing resumes as the BOYS nod and without further ado they turn and run
through the surprised rank of Policemen and out into the street.

The chase carries on. Shots of boys being pursued (still in single file)
by police, including the sergeant [with one shot where the boys are
chasing the policemen].

(As the THIEF we saw earlier finally pries the car door open the Beatles
run past him again. He gets in the car. When the Police pass by one of
them gets into the car beside him. The policeman gestures and they drive
off after the rest.)

Finally, as they approach the theatre, they are seen by the girl fans who
swarm around the police, over running them. [The boys grin to each other
and are about to make off when from their P.O.V. we see the Inspector and
Policemen blocking it.]

[JOHN: Ah well, it was worth a try.]

[INSPECTOR: (calling to Sergeant) What do you think you're up to?]

[SERGEANT: Arrest those boys, sir.]

[INSPECTOR: That's all we need to start a real riot! (to Boys) Come on
lads, they're waiting for you.]

[The Inspector now hustles the BOYS through the crowds and in through the
main entrance of the theatre where SHAKE and NORM are waiting. NORM looks
suspiciously at RINGO who is still wearing his cap.]

[RINGO whips it off and NORM delightedly hugs him.] The BOYS dash through
the stalls entrance and on stage. The DIRECTOR sees them and bursts into
tears with relief. NORM hustles the lads into the wings to be changed
into their show costumes. All around them last minute preparations are
going on.

(NORM: Lads, lads, you're back. Thank goodness! Where's Ringo?)

(PAUL: There he is. We've got him.)

(NORM: Great!)

DIRECTOR. Boys, you don't know what this means to me. If you hadn't come
back it would have been the epilogue or the news in Welsh for life.

NORM: Aren't you supposed to be in that box?


[The Director gives NORM a final glare and dashes off.]

PAUL: And another thing where's that old mixer?


And sitting on a box sadly chastened sits GRANDFATHER.

PAUL: Well, I got a few things to say to you two-faced John McCartney.

JOHN: Aw leave him alone Paul, he's back, isn't he? And it's not his
fault he's old.

PAUL: (hotly) What's old got to do with it? (He's a troublemaker and a
mixer and that's good enough for me.)

[JOHN: You needn't bother.]

[PAUL: Y'what?]

[JOHN: Practising to be thick-headed, you're there already.]

[PAUL: Look he's a mixer and a trouble maker!]

JOHN: That's right, but he's only asking us to pay attention to him,
aren't you?

From JOHN's P.O.V. we see GRANDFATHER. He looks what he is, a tired old

JOHN: You see. (to Grandad) You know your trouble - you should have gone
west to America. You'd have wound up a senior citizen of Boston. As it is
you took the wrong turning and what happened - you're a lonely old man
from Liverpool.

GRANDFATHER: (fighting back) But I'm clean.

(JOHN: Are you?)

[The BOYS giggle and slap him on the back.]

(SHAKE: Hey, Norm.)

(NORM: What?)

(SHAKE: I've been thinking... it's not my fault.)

(NORM: What isn't?)

(SHAKE: I'm not taller than you are, you're smaller than I am.)

(NORM: (raps on Shake's head) Any one at home?)

(GEORGE: Hey Shake, where's me boots? And will you get us some tea while
you're there?)

(SHAKE: Okay, George.)


(NORM: Now, come on, let's get changed.)

(PAUL: We're on in a minute)

(NORM: Watch it, Paul)

Songs: "Tell Me Why," "If I Fell" (reprise), "I Should Have Known Better"
(reprise), "She Loves You."

We see the audience of girls streaming in and settling down in their
places for the show. [There is the usual business of getting the show
ready and we see SHOTS of the girls' faces, then JOHN, PAUL, RINGO and
GEORGE looking at them.] At last on cue from the floor manager the BOYS
start their act to the audience's screams. During the number we
constantly CUT away to the audience with various SHOTS of the ecstatic
girls. In the middle of these shots we see NORM standing at the side of
the audience his face glowing with satisfaction. We follow his gaze and
from NORM'S P.O.V. we see GRANDFATHER handcuffed to SHAKE, but in spite
of this, the old man is enjoying himself. The BOYS now perform a medley
of numbers, i.e., a little of all the songs we have heard during the
story. While they are doing so they look again in the general direction
of SHAKE and GRANDFATHER and from their P.O.V., we see SHAKE is beating
time to the music but from his wrist dangles an empty set of handcuffs.
GRANDFATHER has gone again. As the BOYS are reacting to GRANDFATHER's
disappearance once again, the trap door on the stage opens and
GRANDFATHER appears in the centre of the group as they finish their act
and take their final bows.

NORM is waiting for the BOYS. With him are two studio attendants carrying
the boys' luggage. As the BOYS excitedly appear he speaks to them.

NORM: I've got the stuff. Come here.

PAUL: Aren't we...

NORM: No, we're not!

He hurries them along.

NORM: The office was on the phone, they think it'd be better if we pushed
straight to Wolverhampton.

JOHN: Tonight? We can't make it...

NORM: You've got a midnight matinee.

JOHN: Now look here Norm.

NORM: No, you look here John. I've only one thing to say to you, John

JOHN: What?

NORM: You're a swine. [So hurry up... we're travelling!]

NORM turns down a side exit where the door is open to the field. In it is
an eight-passenger helicopter.

Song "A Hard Day's Night"
The BOYS and NORM come out of the building and start to run towards the

[PAUL: (looking behind him) Where's my grandfather?

[NORM: (arriving at helicopter door) Don't start. Look.]

The boys look in the passenger bay and there is GRANDFATHER. He is still
handcuffed to SHAKE but clutching his pile of photos.

[GRANDFATHER: (beckoning them in with his free hand which holds the
photos) Come on, you're hanging up the parade.]

The boys shout "Get rid of those things." etc.

The final shot is of the helicopter rising up

(SHOT FROM BELOW). As it disappears, a shower of photos come from its

[We cut to a close-up of one signed photo as it hits the ground and super
the closing credits over it.]



ę 2002 by MAG. All rights reserved.