YELLOW SUBMARINE: THE SCRIPT

 

TRANSCRIPT OF THE MOVIE “YELLOW SUBMARINE”
TRANSCRIBED BY Mara1013@givepeaceachance.com

Disclaimer: I DID NOT WRITE THIS. I sat at home with my TV and a Blockbuster tape and rewound it over and over. If you want to know who wrote it, watch the opening credits. This transcript is NOT A SUBSTITUTE for the actual film. Trust me, if you haven’t seen it, some, nay, most of this will make no sense. I DID NOT WRITE any of the songs. I know that if you care enough to read this, you’d know they were written by John Lennon, Paul McCartney or George Harrison. I just said that so EMI and APPLE don’t sue me. I got most of the lyrics from The Unofficial Beatles Lyrics Archive. I finally watched the thing with closed-captioning, so I figured a few things out. Anything that STILL makes no sense has a * next to it.
Thanks to Mr. Arwon and the other person whose email got deleted before I could read the name for pointing out errors.

Now, ON WITH THE SHOW!

Title card and VO: Once upon a time…
VO: …or maybe twice, there was an Earthly paradise called Pepperland. 80,000 leagues beneath the sea it lay, or lie, I’m not too sure.

Shots of the Drum alligator, the mayor’s quartet, the piano players, Fred, a harpist, Fred presenting the flowers to a woman

…and Sgt. PLHCB!

Meanwhile, up on the mountain, the Meanies are laughing. The Chief Meanie is carried to the edge of the cliff on a litter to inspect the troops.

Chief Meanie: Pepperland is a tickle of joy on the blue belly of the universe. It must be scratched, right Max?

Max: Yes, your blueness!

CM: WHAAAT? We Meanies only take NO for an answer! Is that understood?

Max: No, your blueness!

CM: That’s better. Are the troops in readiness?

Max: No your blueness!

CM: The Bonkers?

The Bonkers are very tall thin men who hold green apples in their hands.

Max: No!

CM: Clowns?

The clowns are…very scary blue clowns.

Max: No!

CM: Snapping turks?

Snapping Turks are fat men with fezzes on and giant jaws in their bellies.

Max: No!

CM: Anti-music missiles?

Max: No!

CM: Dreadful flying glove?

Max: No!

CM: Splendid! Today, Pepperland goes … bluely. Fire!

The Anti-Music Missile is launched, and a blue globe falls over Sgt. PLHCB.

Blue lightning bolts hit the population and freeze them

Fred runs through the madness, dodging Bonkers and lightning bolts.

Fred: The Meanies are coming, the Meanies are coming!

The Meanies watch the destruction from on high.

CM: Glove? Come here, Glove, look out there and what do you see? Tell him, Max.

Max: Someone running, Glove.

CM: Yes. Well, you’ll soon put a stop to that, won’t you, glovey? GO, glove! Point and having pointed, POUNCE! Go!

The glove takes off toward Fred, pounds the giant YES into oblivion.

Fred: Oh dear, oh dear!

CM: Hehehe! Oh, I haven’t laughed so much since Pompeii!

The KNOW is attacked by the lightning bolts, leaving NO.
The glove chases Fred to the ground near the SP drum. It stops for an evil laugh, then raises a fist to pound Fred. The drum was on the back of the alligator, which swims away. The glove is soaked and the thumb sticks up as a periscope.

CM: What, what, what! The glove is loosing his touch!

He steps up to a clown.

CM: Hehehe! Do your worst! Explooode them…

A Meanie brings a ladder and rests it against the clown. He climbs up and presses its nose.
With every nose press, some more scenery is destroyed. The glove resumes chasing Fred.

Fred: Er, uh, eh, not, not polite to point!

The glove pounds one end of a broken column, rocketing Fred into the air. Fred reverses the action and flips the glove over. It regains its composure and chases Fred to a statue of two hands shaking.

CM: a thing of beauty.. destroy it forever!

The Meanie pushes the clown’s nose, and the statue is destroyed. The two hands fall over and trap the glove.
Fred runs to the Lord Mayor’s quartet

Fred: Sir! Sir! The Blue Beanies are coming.

Mayor: Not here, young Fred, they wouldn’t dare.

Fred: They would, they are! What are you going to do?

M: Finish the quartet.

The Meanies launch another salvo.

CM: Fire!

The first violinist is frozen with a lightning bolt, and Fred catches the violin.

Fred: Trio, sir.

The second violin is frozen as well.

Fred: Duet, sir.

M: Duet?

The final violinist is frozen.

F: Solo!

Fred takes a whack at playing 3 violins at once.

M: Young Fred…the Blue Meanies are coming!

He leaps into Fred’s arms. They run under heavy fire to a temple.

M: Four scores and 32 bars ago our father land…

F: A quartet…

M: And mothers…

F: ‘Nother quartet…

M: Made it in this…Yellow Submarine…

F: What, that little thing?

M: …to Pepperland.

The Meanies advance while the Lord Mayor sets up his music stand on the uppermost step and tunes his cello.

M: Climb aboard, young Fred!

F: But sir, I can’t even make me soap float!

M: I’m appointing you Lord Admiral.

F: Lord Admiral! Well in that event, yes!

More Meanies advance…

M: Hurry young Fred, go, get help.

F: But where, where, where should I go?

A Meanie is advancing on the temple on the shoulder of a clown whose nose he presses…

M: No time for trivialities…

The Yellow Submarine is blown off the top of the temple while the Lord Mayor plays. The Bonkers reach the top of the temple and he is covered in green apples.

Opening credits.

IN THE TOWN WHERE I WAS BORN,
LIVED A MAN WHO SAILED TO SEA.
AND HE TOLD US OF HIS LIFE
IN THE LAND OF SUBMARINES.

Apple films presents
A King features production
Starring Sgt. PLHCB

SO WE SAILED ON TO THE SUN,
TILL WE FOUND THE SEA OF GREEN,

The Beatles

AND WE LIVED BENEATH THE WAVES,
IN OUR YELLOW SUBMARINE.

Yellow Submarine

WE ALL LIVE IN A YELLOW SUBMARINE,
YELLOW SUBMARINE, YELLOW SUBMARINE.
WE ALL LIVE IN A YELLOW SUBMARINE,
YELLOW SUBMARINE, YELLOW SUBMARINE.

AND OUR FRIENDS ARE ALL ABOARD,
MANY MORE OF THEM LIVE NEXT DOOR.
AND THE BAND BEGINS TO PLAY.

WE ALL LIVE IN A YELLOW SUBMARINE,
YELLOW SUBMARINE, YELLOW SUBMARINE.
WE ALL LIVE IN A YELLOW SUBMARINE,
YELLOW SUBMARINE, YELLOW SUBMARINE.

AS WE LIVE A LIFE OF EASE,
EV?RYONE OF US
HAS ALL WE NEED.
SKY OF BLUE
AND SEA OF GREEN,
IN OUR YELLOW
SUBMARINE.

WE ALL LIVE IN A YELLOW SUBMARINE,
A YELLOW SUBMARINE, YELLOW SUBMARINE.
WE ALL LIVE IN A YELLOW SUBMARINE,
A YELLOW SUBMARINE, YELLOW SUBMARINE.

WE ALL LIVE IN A YELLOW SUBMARINE,
YELLOW SUBMARINE, YELLOW SUBMARINE.
WE ALL LIVE IN A YELLOW SUBMARINE,
YELLOW SUBMARINE, YELLOW SUBMARINE.

Ah, Liverpool: drab, dreary and boring. A whole bunch of smokestacks go off on a bass note.
This song takes us through the city as we follow the Yellow Submarine through Liverpool.

AH, LOOK AT ALL THE LONELY PEOPLE!
AH, LOOK AT ALL THE LONELY PEOPLE!

ELEANOR RIGBY,
PICKS UP THE RICE IN THE CHURCH WHERE A WEDDING HAS BEEN,
LIVES IN A DREAM.
WAITS AT THE WINDOW,
WEARING THE FACE THAT SHE KEEPS IN A JAR BY THE DOOR,
WHO IS IT FOR?

ALL THE LONELY PEOPLE,
WHERE DO THEY ALL COME FROM?
ALL THE LONELY PEOPLE,
WHERE DO THEY ALL BELONG?

FATHER McKENZIE,
WRITING THE WORDS OF A SERMON THAT NO ONE WILL HEAR,
NO ONE COMES NEAR.
LOOK AT HIM WORKING,
DARNING HIS SOCKS IN THE NIGHT WHEN THERE'S NOBODY THERE,
WHAT DOES HE CARE?

ALL THE LONELY PEOPLE,
WHERE DO THEY ALL COME FROM?
ALL THE LONELY PEOPLE,
WHERE DO THEY ALL BELONG?

AH, LOOK AT ALL THE LONELY PEOPLE!
AH, LOOK AT ALL THE LONELY PEOPLE!

ELEANOR RIGBY,
DIED IN THE CHURCH AND WAS BURIED ALONG WITH HER NAME.
NOBODY CAME.
FATHER McKENZIE,
WIPING THE DIRT FROM HIS HANDS AS HE WALKS FROM THE GRAVE,
NO ONE WAS SAVED.

ALL THE LONELY PEOPLE,
(Ah, look at all the lonely people!)
WHERE DO THEY ALL COME FROM?
ALL THE LONELY PEOPLE,
(Ah, look at all the lonely people!)
WHERE DO THEY ALL BELONG?

Ringo kicks at a pile of cardboard boxes next to a brick wall with “LIVERPOOL” scrawled on it.

Ringo: Woe…is…me. Liverpool can be a lonely place on a Saturday night. And this is only Thursday morning.

VO: Compared with my life, Eleanor Rigby’s was a gay, mad whirl.

R: Nothing ever happens to me.

VO: I feel like an old splintered drumstick.

R: I’d jump into the river Mersey, but it looks like rain. Nothing ever happens to me.

He walks past some arches and the Yellow Submarine follows him, hiding behind columns when he turns. He stops in front of a wall, and the periscope looks over the top at him. A policeman is calling to a kitty on the ground.

Policeman: Puss, puss, puss. Here, pussy pussy…puss, puss, puss… (etc)

He straightens up as Ringo approaches. The cat jumps off the curb.

R: Hey, would you believe me if I told you I was being followed by a Yellow Submarine?

Policeman: No, no I would not.

R: Oh yeah, I didn’t think you would.

Ringo leaves, and the policeman misses the sub floating past.

R: I coulda sworn there was a yellow submarine, but that isn’t logical, is it? It must have been one of them unidentified flying cupcakes. Or a figment of me imagination… But I don’t have an imagination.

He goes into a house labeled “THE PIER” and the Yellow Submarine stops. Fred gets out and knocks on the door.

F: Help, help, help!

R: Right, we don’t need any.

F: Help, help, help! Won’t you please, please help meeee?

Ringo looks at him through the mail slot.

R: Be pacific.

Fred’s distress causes him to babble unintelligibly.

F: Blbskdhfiueri…music…askdfhucuvb… submarine…balkdfiu.. explosions…BLUE MEANIES!

R: What you need is…

F: H for hurry, E for urgent, L for love me and P for p-p-p-p-please help!

The door opens and Fred steps alone into a Hall of Doors. He goes into one door and odd things pop in and out of the other doors. We follow Fred inside to a promenade with double staircases. Ringo drives a car down one of them and nearly hits Fred at the bottom.

R: Oh, your story’s touched me heart. Jump in, we’ll get me friends.

F: Oh, bless you!

R: Did I sneeze?

They drive back through the door into the Hall of Doors.

F: Just park it here.

R: I’ll just park it here.

They go in one door and more things go in and out behind them in a fashion that obviously inspired Terry Gilliam. We follow Fred and Ringo into a room filled with displays and models of superheros.

F: Hey, what would your friends be doing here?

R: Displaying.

F: Displaying what?

R: Displaying around.

Music sting! We follow them into a room packed with immobile superheroes.

F: Can’t we take one of these?

R: No, Fred, I only work with me mates.

We come to another room which features Frankenstein’s Monster strapped to a table.

F: Frankenstein?

R: Oh, yeah, I used to go out with his sister.

F: His sister??

R: Yeah, Phyllis. Hey, I wonder what would happen if I pulled this lever?

F: You mustn’t do that!

R: Can’t help it, I’m a born lever-puller!

He pulls the lever and sparks fly as it awakens Frankenstein’s Monster. The monster stands and stretches, then grabs a vial of something purple, drinks it, and turns into John.

John: Hey, Ringo, I just had the strangest dream…

R: I warned you not to eat on an empty stomach. Oh, listen to old Fred.

F: Blbskdhfiueri…music…askdfhucuvb… submarine…balkdfiu.. explosions…BLUE MEANIES!

A beat.

F: Wh-what do you think?

J: I think it needs a rehearsal.

Hall of Doors: some toys are playing in the hall, but scamper back in a door on being spotted.

J: When do we leave?

F: Well, lets get the other two, John.

J: What day is it?

R: Saturday.

J: Then George’ll be here.

He opens a door and sees a picture of cows in a psychedelic frame and we hear the beginnings of "Love You Too." We pan up and see George standing atop the frame.

In the Hall:

R: George, what are you doing up there?

George drives by again and again in Ringo’s car.

George: Now what is it, Ringo? Is there a matter you’d like to take up? Or down?

R: This chap here.

F: Blbskdhfiueri…music…askdfhucuvb… submarine… explosions…

Fred, John, and Ringo: BLUE MEANIES!

G: Aww, you’re nuts, the pair of ya.

R: Hey, wait a minute, that’s my car, luv!

G: How do you know it’s your car, luv?

R: I’d know it anywhere!

G: What’s it look like then?

R: Well, it’s red with yellow wheels.

George drives back in the frame, and the car is…

R: I mean blue with orange wheels.

He drives out and in, and the car is yellow with purple wheels.

G: It’s all in the mind.

They all pile in the car.

J: Move over, I’m driving.

G: No, I got here first.

R: I’ll drive you if you like.

G: No, you sit in the middle!

J: No, I’M sitting in the middle!

R: You said you were driving.

J: I am driving!

G: I’ll get in the back, then.

They drive off and immediately crash the car offscreen. They run back into the frame.

John opens a door to see King Kong abducting a woman.

G: Do you think we’re interrupting something?

J: I think so.

He shuts the door.

J: Gotta find Paul, haven’t we?

He opens a door with looks like it leads to a living room, but a train comes up from under the table. Just as it’s about to hit him, he shuts the door.

G: It’s all in the mind.

J: We’ll try one of those doors.

They open one and we hear cheering. We can’t see inside.

G: Yes, they do look very nice, don’t they?

R: Yes they do.

J: They do, though, don’t they?

G: Yes they do.

R: No, they don’t.

G: Don’t?

Paul exits, straightens his tie and catches a bouquet that was thrown to him.

J: Voila!*

Paul: What’s the matter fellas? Blue Meanies?

F: Well, lads, what do you think?

G: I think that…

F: Remember, they’ll be rough seas ahead! What do you think?

P: Well, then um…

F: Pounding, overwhelming waves. What do you think of that, eh?

G: Well I think that…

R: As a matter of fact I think that…

ALL: I think…

F: Well?

ALL: I’ve forgotten.

They exit the Hall and see the Yellow Submarine.

F: Right then, lets get this vessel ship shape!

G: I kinda like the way it is…submarine shaped!

A montage of places in Europe flashes by to the tune of "A Day in the Life."

Inside the sub…

P: So…this is a submarine?

J: Soft, isn’t it?

Ringo comes up from a hatch.

R: Not if you’re on the bottom.

F: Alright lads, time to stow the gab and turn to!

P: Groovy! How do you start this thing?

F: It starts with a Blue Meanie attack!

J: I’m supposing there’s no Blue Meanies in the neighborhood?

F: (stutters) Well, then you start looking for a switch.

Ringo presses a button, cueing “All Together Now”

R: You suppose this is it?

And off they go! Each of them operates various mechanical things about the ship.

ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR,
CAN I HAVE A LITTLE MORE?
P: “ SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT, NINE, TEN,”
I LOVE YOU.

A, B, C, D,
CAN I BRING MY FRIEND TO TEA?
E, F, G, H, I, J,
I LOVE YOU.

BOM, BOM, BOM, BOMPA BOM,
P: "SAIL THE SHIP,”
BOMPA BOM, CHOP THE TREE,
BOMPA BOM, SKIP THE ROPE.
BOMPA BOM, LOOK AT ME!

ALL TOGETHER NOW:

ALL TOGETHER NOW, (all together now)
ALL TOGETHER NOW, (all together now)
ALL TOGETHER NOW, (all together now)
ALL TOGETHER NOW. (all together now)

BLACK, WHITE, GREEN, RED,
CAN I TAKE MY FRIEND TO BED?
PINK, BROWN, YELLOW, ORANGE AND BLUE,
I LOVE YOU.

ALL TOGETHER NOW:

OH, ALL TOGETHER NOW, (all together now)
ALL TOGETHER NOW, (all together now)
ALL TOGETHER NOW, (all together now)
ALL TOGETHER NOW.

(all together now)
ALL TOGETHER NOW, (all together now)
ALL TOGETHER NOW, (all together now)
ALL TOGETHER NOW, (all together now)
ALL TOGETHER NOW.

Having fun with some literal octopus ink…

BOM, BOM, BOM, BOMPA BOM, SAIL THE SHIP,
BOMPA BOM, CHOP THE TREE,
BOMPA BOM, SKIP THE ROPE.
BOMPA BOM, LOOK AT ME!

A bunch of bubbles float by with a man’s face in them.

ALL TOGETHER NOW:

ALL TOGETHER NOW, (all together now)
ALL TOGETHER NOW, (all together now)
ALL TOGETHER NOW, (all together now)
ALL TOGETHER NOW. (all together now)

ALL TOGETHER NOW, (all together now)
ALL TOGETHER NOW, (all together now)
ALL TOGETHER NOW, (all together now)
ALL TOGETHER NOW. (all together now)

ALL TOGETHER NOW, (all together now)
ALL TOGETHER NOW, (all together now)
ALL TOGETHER NOW, (all together now)
ALL TOGETHER NOW. (all together now)

Ringo looks at the man’s watch.

R: What time is it, Guv'nor?

J: It’s time…for time!

They all look at a clock inside the sub.

P: Look, the hands are slowing down!

The sub starts going backward…

P: Do you ever get the feeling…

R: Yeah.

P:…that things aren’t as rosy as they appear to be under the surface?

G: What’s happening, John?

J: Well, in my humble opinion, we’ve become involved in Einstein’s time-space continuum theory.

G: All right…

J: Relatively speaking, that is.

G: (Of) Course. Maybe time’s gone on strike.

R: What for?

G: Shorter hours.

R; I don’t blame it. Must be very tiring being time, mustn’t it?

ALL: Why?

R: Well, it’s a 24 hour day, isn’t it?

J: You surprise me, Ringo.

R: Why?

J: Dealing in abstracts.

R: Well, look, John. Just because I’m a drummer doesn’t mean I’m not… I feel funny.

And well, he should, because he starts shrinking, becoming younger.

P: Hey, Ringo, you’re not half the lad you used to be.

Paul shrinks too.

G: Hey, look. Everything’s getting bigger.

…as George and John shrink.

J: Its not, is us that are getting smaller!

R: I want me mum.

F: Here you are lads, old Fred’ll get you out of all this!

Only Fred’s not Old Fred, he’s Middle-Aged Fred. Everyone looks out the window.

R: Look at that!

J: Cor, it’s all rows of Father X-mas-es

P: It’s not, its Father Time

J: How do you know?

P: Well, I read it in a book.

F: I don’t want to alarm you mates, but the years are going backwards!

G: What’s that mean, old Fred?

F: It means that if we slip back through time at this rate, very soon we’ll all disappear up our own existence!

J: What are we going to do then?

F: Well, I suppose we could always try a few buttons…

Paul and Ringo crank at levers.

R: I want me mum. (sniff)

F: Time’s fast running out for us, I’m afraid.

J: Well, can’t we do something to the clock?

R: What d’you mean, John?

J: Well, move the hands forward and see what happens.

He does so, and the clock reverses direction.

F: Clever lad.

G: Something strange is ‘appening…its speeding up now.

They look out the portholes and see…

P: Funny…a submarine remarkably like our own!

G: Uncannily.

J: There’s someone in it, look!

G: And they’re waving…

R: It’s a group of fellas.

J: Wave back!

G: Maybe we’re both part of a vast Yellow Submarine fleet.

R: There’s only two of us…

John has gone noticeably grey about the sideburns.

J: Then I would suggest that yonder Yellow Submarine is none other than ourselves…

F: …going backwards …

J: …in time!

G: Hey, look at Ringo!

Old Man Ringo sprouts long, white hair.

J: Oh dear, we’re all the same…

P: Senile delinquents

G: And I can hear my beard growing.

R: We’d better do something

P: “WHEN I GET OLDER, LOSING MY HAIR,…”

MANY YEARS FROM NOW,
WILL YOU STILL BE SENDING ME A VALENTINE,
BIRTHDAY GREETINGS, BOTTLE OF WINE?
IF I?D BEEN OUT TILL QUARTER TO THREE,
WOULD YOU LOCK THE DOOR?
WILL YOU STILL NEED ME, WILL YOU STILL FEED ME,
WHEN I'M SIXTY-FOUR?

OO-OO-
YOU'LL BE OLDER TOO.
AH -
AND IF YOU SAY THE WORD,
I COULD STAY WITH YOU.

I COULD BE HANDY, MENDING A FUSE
WHEN YOUR LIGHTS HAVE GONE.

They go forwards in time and return to normal.

P: “YOU CAN KNIT A SWEATER BY THE FIRESIDE,
SUNDAY MORNINGS, GO FOR A RIDE.”

Card: “sixty-four years is 33,661,440 minutes and one minute is a long time…”

DOING THE GARDEN, DIGGING THE WEEDS,
WHO COULD ASK FOR MORE?

WILL YOU STILL NEED ME, WILL YOU STILL FEED ME,

Card: “let us demOnstrate”
“let us dem1nstrate”
“let us dem2nstrate”

WHEN I'M SIXTY-FOUR?

Fun Sesame Street numbers count up to 64.

EV?RY SUMMER WE CAN RENT A COTTAGE IN THE ISLE OF WIGHT
IF IT'S NOT TOO DEAR.
WE SHALL SCRIMP AND SAVE.
(We shall scrimp and save)
GRANDCHILDREN ON YOUR KNEE,

We’re up to 20…

VERA, CHUCK AND DAVE.

SEND ME A POSTCARD, DROP ME A LINE,
STATING POINTS OF VIEW.
INDICATE PRECISELY WHAT YOU MEAN TO SAY,
YOURS SINCERELY WASTING AWAY.

Here’s 50…

GIVE ME YOUR ANSWER, FILL IN A FORM,
MINE FOREVER MORE.
WILL YOU STILL NEED ME, WILL YOU STILL FEED ME,
WHEN I'M SIXTY-FOUR?

J: Well, correct me if I’m wrong, gentlemen, but would you agree that we have been passing through the Sea of Time?

R: That would explain a few things, yes. I’m glad I’m not young anymore, or was it old?

J: What kind of a sea is this?

F: The Sea of Silence.

J: Oh yeah!

“Only a Northern Song” … No real plot point during this song…just sit back and listen to it.

IF YOU'RE LIST'NING TO THIS SONG,
YOU MAY THINK THE CHORDS ARE GOIN' WRONG;
BUT THEY'RE NOT,
WE JUST WROTE IT LIKE THAT.

WHEN YOU'RE LIST'NING LATE AT NIGHT,
YOU MAY THINK THE BAND ARE NOT QUITE RIGHT;
BUT THEY ARE,
THEY JUST PLAY IT LIKE THAT.

IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER WHAT CHORDS I PLAY,
WHAT WORDS I SAY OR TIME OF DAY IT IS,
AS IT'S ONLY A NORTHERN SONG.

IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER WHAT CLOTHES I WEAR,
OR HOW I FARE, OR IF MY HAIR IS BROWN
WHEN IT'S ONLY A NORTHERN SONG.

Does that box hurt anyone else’s eyes?

IF YOU THINK THE HARMONY
IS A LITTLE DARK AND OUT OF KEY;
YOU'RE CORRECT;
THERE'S NOBODY THERE.

AND WE TOLD YOU THERE'S NO ONE THERE.

At the end of the song, a purple creature lands on board.

G: Hey, he looks wrong.

P: He doesn’t look at all well.

G: In fact, he’s horrible!

J: He’s so ugly…

ALL: Really Ugly!

They make the poor thing cry.

J: Somebody push a button.

Ringo does so, and it jettisons the poor creature.

A host of exotic creatures roams the seafloor and the crew of the sub marvels out the porthole.

G: Hey, there’s a cyclops!

P: Can’t be! He’s got two eyes!

J: Must be a bicyclops.

R: There’s another one!

J: Whole cyclopedia.

A creature tries to eat the Yellow Submarine. A tea-kettle monster bumps it off course.

J: There’s a school of whales.

R: They look a bit old for school.

P: University, then.

R: University of whales…

J: Well, they look like dropouts to me.

Ringo is driving, Fred is backseat driving.

F: You’ve got to steer clear!

..of the school of Wale…er…whales…

R: Steer clear?

F: Yes! Steer, clear?

R: Yes, steer.

The Yellow Submarine sprouts a smile and fools the smiling whales.

F: Now whatever you do, don’t touch that button!

R: Which button?

F: That one!

R: This one?

Ringo’s also a born button-pusher. He touches it and it jettisons him onto the back of a dinosaur.. he slides down the tail…

F: Oop, that was the panic button.

…and is trapped atop a four legged creature.

P: Poor Ringo.

G: Poor Lad .

P: Never did no harm to no one.

J: Hey lads, now that Ringo’s gone, what do we do?

F: Learn to sing trios.

P : Noooo, let’s save the poor devil.

G: I see footsteps!

P: It’s a pair of kinky bootbeasts!

G: Preparing to attack!

The Yellow Submarine sprouts a shoe that stomps the bootbeasts.

J: I miss Ringo.

G: He’s far out there.

P: Always was.

The punching bag dinosaur!

G: Here comes Ringo!

R: H is for hurry...(fades out)

P: There goes Ringo!

G: Hey, it’s seen us!

G: Find the boxing button!

P: Who ever heard of a boxing button?

J: Who cares, find one!

Too late, for the Yellow Submarine is punched and flies end over end. Fred finds a button…

F: Fire one!

All sorts of crap spews forth, including a Rolling Stones banner.

F: Oop, wrong one!

G: That…

The Yellow Submarine gives the punching dinosaur a cigar and lights it. The cigar explodes and the punching bag laughs.

R: E is for urgent...

G: There goes Ringo again!

P: That’s well*, isn’t it?

R: L is for love me...

P: Oh no, not the dreaded vacuum thrust again!

J: We’ll be sucked into oblivion!

G: Or even further!

F: Put her in reverse.

The wheel breaks off, but they do go backward.

J: So long, sucker.

P: Too much!

G: Too soon! Reverse reverse!

ALL: Injuns!

R: Help! Please help me!

A little fake Indian dude chases Ringo and shoots arrows.

G: So press a button!

John does and the Yellow Submarine lands and dispatches the US 7th cavalry to rescue Ringo. Back aboard the sub, he plucks a few arrows out of himself (tough kid, ain’t he?).

J: How was it, Ringo?

R: ‘Arrowing.

The vacuum monster sucks up all the other creatures…

P: Hey, look who’s back! Full speed ahead!

R: Oh no!

J: The monster’s packing in!

F: By all the sea nymphits, we’re losing power!

G: We’re being swallowed!

P: What should we do?

J: Serve tea.

P: Lovely.

The monster sucks up the Yellow Submarine, the scenery and finally itself, leaving the sub on a blank screen. The motor konks out and it lands.

F: By Neptune’s knickerbockers, she’s puttered out!

J: Well maybe we should call a road service?

P: No car, no road…

R: And we’re not sub…scribers.

ALL: Sub..scribers…oohhh

G: I know something about motors…let me have a look.

F: Here!

G: is that the motor?

It’s really dinky.

F: Can’t you tell one when you see one?

G: ‘Course I can…let me peruse it.

He touches it and it shocks him.

J: Well, what do you think?

G: I think I burnt me finger.

R: Eh, lads…look at this.

They look out the portholes

J: What do you think it is?

G: Nothing.

R: Yeah, it looks like nothing.

P: It’s a local inhabitant!

R: He’s probably one of the nothings.

P: Well, at least that’s something.

Jeremy the Nowhere Man is sitting typing. (He’s notated N: because J: was taken.) I can’t understand half of what he says; it’s gibberish in the style of Lewis Carrol. He’s short, fat, fuzzy and green. They disembark and approach him.

P: Hey, let’s show him our motor!

J: Steady on! I mean, you don’t want to be showing your motor to just anybody!

G: Yeah, but this is a nobody.

N: Nidic, Pidic, sedobreek…orphic, morphic, dorphic, Greek!

The typewriter turns into a piano, then a book, tree, easel…

N: Ad hoc, ad lock and quid pro quo…so little time, so much to know!

J: Well, can you tell us where we’re at?

N: A true Sophratic query, that!

J: Oh yeah, and who the Billy Shears are you?

N: Who? Ah, who indeed am I?

He hands out cards reading:

J: Jeremy…

P: Hillary…

G: Boob…?

Ringo’s card says “Ph. D.” He says…

R: Phubbt!

ALL: Who?

N: Eminent physicist, polyglove clatacyst, prizewinning botanist, hardwriting satirist, talented pianist, good dentist, too!

J: Lousy poet.

N: Critic’s voice, take your choice.

R: Must be one of them angry young men.

P: Or a daffy old creep!

N: Aye, a daffy old creep!

G: D’you speak English?

N: Old English, middle, a dialect, pure…

P: Well, do you speak English?

N: You know…I’m not sure!

R: He’s so smart he doesn’t even remember what he knows.

P: Hey, why don’t we show him out motor?

J: Should we really…show him our motor?

P: He may not have seen one before.

He apparently has.

N: Tabo-prop super combustible spring! Metrocyclonic and stereophonic! This motor, I see, has a broken down…thing!

He hits it and it works again.

J: He fixed it!

R: He fixed it!

P: Great, let’s go.

N: I must complete my bust, two novels, finish my blueprints, begin my b’gee…

J: Hey, Jeremy, must you always talk in rhyme?

N: If I spoke prose, you’d all find out, I don’t know what I talk about! Ad hoc, ad lock and quid pro quo…so little time, so much to know!

P: Hey, fellas, look!

Jeremy writes on a clipboard.

N: The footnotes to my 19th book. This is my standard procedure for doing it. And while I compose it, I’m also reviewing it!

He types…

G: A Boob for all seasons!

P: How can he lose?

J: Were your notices good?

N: It’s my policy never to read my reviews!

J: There must be a word for what he is!

ALL: “HE'S A REAL NOWHERE MAN,
SITTING IN HIS NOWHERE LAND,
MAKING ALL HIS NOWHERE PLANS FOR NOBODY.”

The four strut through the stark landscape filling it with color. John, Paul, and George are playing air guitar and Ringo is clapping his hands. (And yes, Paul is playing left-handed.)

DOESN'T HAVE A POINT OF VIEW,
KNOWS NOT WHERE HE'S GOING TO,
ISN'T HE A BIT LIKE YOU AND ME.

NOWHERE MAN, PLEASE LISTEN:
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE MISSING.
NOWHERE MAN, THE WORLD IS AT YOUR COMMAND.

HE'S AS BLIND AS HE CAN BE,
JUST SEES WHAT HE WANTS TO SEE,
NOWHERE MAN CAN YOU SEE ME AT ALL?

NOWHERE MAN, DON'T WORRY.
TAKE YOUR TIME, DON'T HURRY.
LEAVE IT ALL TILL SOMEBODY ELSE LENDS YOU A HAND.

They strut backward and reclaim all the color. Jeremy is stuck on a turntable, going in circles.. he sits on the ground and cries.

DOESN'T HAVE A POINT OF VIEW,
KNOWS NOT WHERE HE'S GOING TO,
ISN'T HE A BIT LIKE YOU AND ME.

NOWHERE MAN, PLEASE LISTEN:
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE MISSING.
NOWHERE MAN, THE WORLD IS AT YOUR COMMAND.

HE'S A REAL NOWHERE MAN,
SITTING IN HIS NOWHERE LAND,
MAKING ALL HIS NOWHERE PLANS FOR NOBODY,
MAKING ALL HIS NOWHERE PLANS FOR NOBODY,
MAKING ALL HIS NOWHERE PLANS FOR NOBODY.

J: Ok men, all aboard!

R: What about him?

J: ‘E’s happy enough goin’ round in circles.

R: Poor little fella…

P: I don’t know… Ringo’s just a sentimentalist!

R: Ah, look at him…can’t he come with us? Hey, uh, Mr. Boob… you can come with us if you like.

N: You mean, you’d take a nowhere man?

R: Yeah, c’mon, we’ll take you somewhere.

John gives Fred the motor.

R: Alright, Boobie…down the hatch.

N: “Down the hatch…” a quite curious phrase. The middle south middle Victorian phase. It’s usage undoubtedly on the increase…I must work it into my new statesman piece!

J: That’s the hatch, friend.

N: Indeed?

F: Steady now crew, prepare to go forward!

George drives.

ALL: forward, forward!

P: Hey…it’s awful quiet.

The sub is sinking backwards…

R: What should we do, Jeremy?

N: Repair, revise, revamp, renew… ifsit, dipsit… just turn the screw!

They land on the blue checkered surface and go back to look at the screws.

N: Logsign clocksign, big thingamabob…

He takes the propeller off…

G: What’s ‘e saying?

J: What’s he doing?

N: Chewing gum will do the job! A turn of the screw and all is…

Jeremy sticks some gum to the shaft and replaces it. The Yellow Submarine starts up and floats off, Wizard of Oz style.

N: …and all is new!

F: Hey, I can’t stop that! H is for hurry…E’s for urgent, L’s for love meeee…

He fades off into the distance.

J: B is for…goodbye

G: That was lovely, Jeremy!

P: We’ve lost the sub for good!

J: Or for bad.

R: Or for worse…

N: Well, yes…I’m…sorry about that…

R: But he did fix the motor!

P: Erm… where are we?

J: I dunno, it looks like the foothills.

G: The foothills of what?

J: The foothills of the headlands…

There are a hundred heads, each framing a changing picture.

J: “PICTURE YOURSELF IN A BOAT ON A RIVER”

WITH TANGERINE TREES AND MARMALADE SKIES.

He stands in front of one head, which reveals different pictures of dancing girls…

SOMEBODY CALLS YOU, YOU ANSWER QUITE SLOWLY,
A GIRL WITH KALEIDOSCOPE EYES.

CELLOPHANE FLOWERS OF YELLOW AND GREEN
TOWERING OVER YOUR HEAD.
LOOK FOR THE GIRL WITH THE SUN IN HER EYES
AND SHE'S GONE.

One flapper in particular…

LUCY IN THE SKY WITH DIAMONDS,
LUCY IN THE SKY WITH DIAMONDS,
LUCY IN THE SKY WITH DIAMONDS,

J: “AH ---“

FOLLOW HER DOWN TO A BRIDGE BY A FOUNTAIN,
WHERE ROCKING HORSE PEOPLE EAT MARSHMALLOW PIES.
EV?RYONE SMILES AS YOU DRIFT PAST THE FLOWERS
THAT GROW SO INCREDIBLY HIGH.

NEWSPAPER TAXIS APPEAR ON THE SHORE
WAITING TO TAKE YOU AWAY.
CLIMB IN THE BACK WITH YOUR HEAD IN THE CLOUDS
AND YOU'RE GONE.

One girl gets off a horse…

LUCY IN THE SKY WITH DIAMONDS,
LUCY IN THE SKY WITH DIAMONDS,

John puts on a hat and dances with her.

LUCY IN THE SKY WITH DIAMONDS,
AH ---

PICTURE YOURSELF ON A TRAIN IN A STATION
WITH PLASTICINE PORTERS WITH LOOKING GLASS TIES.
SUDDENLY SOMEONE IS THERE AT THE TURNSTILE,
THE GIRL WITH KALEIDOSCOPE EYES.

LUCY IN THE SKY WITH DIAMONDS,
LUCY IN THE SKY WITH DIAMONDS,
LUCY IN THE SKY WITH DIAMONDS,
AH ---

LUCY IN THE SKY WITH DIAMONDS,
LUCY IN THE SKY …

She leaves, leaving John outside the head.

LUCY IN THE SKY WITH DIAMONDS,
LUCY IN THE SKY WITH DIAMONDS, OH,
LUCY IN THE SKY WITH DIAMONDS,

G: Er…carry on, lad, carry on.

R: He certainty was carrying on…

G: Hey, I feel a draft!

P: We must be near the Sea of Holes!

The headlands thin out a bit.

P: Hey, don’t you think we should ask somebody for directions?

They stop in front of a circle of empty heads…

J: Erm, excuse us…

P: …can you tell us the way to get to Pepperland?

The heads light up with arrows that go around in a circle.

G: Thanks.

They leave the headlands.

P: Gosh, look at all this dust!

G: Where did it all come from?

N: A chemical errror, and quite imprecise. This is a condiment…

R: Condim…

N: …a spice!

J: He’s right you know... Is it pepper?

P: Pepper!

J : Pepper! (sneezes)

R: (sneezes)

G: (sneezes)

The heads all sneeze and blow our heroes into a big hole in the ground. On the other side, they find a white space with black dots. The dots light up like a pinball machine as they bounce off until Ringo, John, Jeremy, and Paul all fall in a hole.

R: John, Paul, George…is anybody home?

People are popping in and out of holes…

P: Where are we?

G: A holey sea!

J: This place reminds me of Blackburr and Lancershire.

P: Oh boy…

George sits next to a hole.

G: How many do you think there are?

Jeremy attempts to extricate himself from a hole.

N: Enough…to fill…the Albert Hall!

P: Hey, didn’t old Fred mention something about the Sea of Holes just before the Sea of Green?

J: Yeah…through one of them slots must be the Sea of Green.

G: But which? Which one?

Jeremy is stuck in a hole while everyone else bounds about.

N: Thesis…antithesis…syntheses…causes of causal causation…

J: Hey, Jeremy…what do you know about holes?

N: There are simply NO holes in my education!

A Meanie appears below Jeremy…

P: You mean, you haven’t composed a hole book?

G: Oh, great, what should we do?

N: Be empirical…look!

J: The boob is making more and more sense.

P: Getting better all the time.

J: C’mon, lets all look for the Sea of Green….the Sea … of Holes into …. the Sea of Green.

N: Hydrolence, vergence, crysodine!* I think we’re near the Sea of Green!

A Meanie pulls Jeremy through the hole… Ringo comes by up top and picks up the hole. He explores its properties, then tucks it away.

R: I’ve got a hole in me pocket.

P: Hey, where’s Jeremy?

J: Well, he was over there.

G: Well, he’s not here now.

J: Well, he must have jumped ship then!

R: He wouldn’t do that…he’s our friend!

Ringo stands next to a green hole.

R: Boobie! Jeremy! Hillary! Where are you?

He jumps onto the hole, which begins to sing “Sea of Green, Sea of Green…” as it swallows all of them and transports them to the temple where we came in.

J: Pepperland!

R: A bit salty round the edges.

J: Looks all dingy.

G: And drab.

P: And quiet.

Ringo finds a pile of giant green apples. He throws one to the other three.

J: Safe at last!

P: And none the worse for our adventures.

J: Reminiscent in many ways of the late Mr. Ulysses.

R: There’s an eye in the apples!

They’ve found the Lord Mayor. Ringo pulls an apple out from the bottom and uncovers the Lord Mayor. They look up and see the triumphant return of the Yellow Submarine, which lands atop the temple.

F: There she blows!

Fred lowers himself on the anchor.

F: Lord Mayor! Sir, I made it! I made… I’m back!

G: Who’s this?

F: Our lord mayor! He’s been bonked! Sir! Lord Mayor! Un-bonk yourself! Even a little slat of a tune might get him up again…

J: All right, well, let’s sing.

A verse of "Think For Yourself" gets him going again...

ALL: “…and you got time to rectify, oh, time to rectify…”

LM: Do I hear music? Do I see…young Fred?

F: You do, Lord Mayor!

LM: Ohhhh, bless my metronome! And did you bring help?

F: Yes, yes, look!

LM: Holy pizzicato, young Fred! It’s quite uncanny, your faces.

P: We’re quite cute, really.

LM: You could pass for the originals.

J: Well, we are the originals.

They start down the side of the temple.

LM: No, no, Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band.

R: Well, couldn’t be much with a name like that.

J: Sgt. Pepper?

LM: You could impersonate them and rally the land to rebellion! Where are your instruments?

R: Lost in the monstrous sea. The sea of monsters.

F: We’ll get other instruments, Lord Mayor!

LM: Not a chance. The Meanies captured everything that maketh music.

They reach the bottom of the steps.

P: They hate music that much, do they?

LM: They shrink at the very sound.

The 6 men from the beginning form a rainbow gateway into the bulk of Pepperland.

J: Ok, you guys, shrinking time in Pepperland!

They all duck out of the frame.

We see all the frozen people and a Meanie eating a flower. We hear footsteps of the Bonkers as they go about their business.

A butterfly escapes both the Bonkers and the Catbert-like Butterfly Stomper. A Snapping Turk eats a little girl’s pinwheel. The glove chases anyone who tries to escape. The Chief Meanie laughs at the sight of it all.

J: He reminds me of my old English teacher!

P: Look, if you must shout, shout quietly!

The four are hiding behind cardboard cutouts of frozen people.

G: What do we do?

J: Coagulate with the crowd. Cutouts at the ready and let’s …cut out

They do so and finally reach a hill with a fence made of brambles.

P: What a grand bandstand!

G: That’s where the gear’s kept.

J: Come on…

P: K.V.! K.V.!*

A pack of blue bulldog (four heads, one body) is being used by a Meanie to scout the countryside. The sun goes down.

P: Right, the coast is clear.

G: Now’s our chance!

R: But how’ll we get over the…

…fence around the hill that the bandstand is on? John shoves his and Ringo’s cutout together, trapping Ringo’s nose in between them.

G: Easy, follow me.

They rest the cutouts against the fence and use them as springboards. The Meanie spots them and opens fire on the hill.

Meanie: Ah hah! You fools!

They race up to the bandstand amongst the sleeping Meanies that have flung themselves everywhere. They finally make it up to the top.

R: It’s not very light in here though, is it?

G: Shh, keep the noise down!

J: Hey, look what I found!

G: It’s their uniforms!

P: Nice bit of gear, that.

R: It’ll look great on, won’t it?

P: Oh, it will, won’t it?

G: Won’t it though?

R: Won’t it?

They put on the jackets and bearded hats.

J: Hey, how do I look?

P: Groovy, groovy! Hey, how ‘bout me?

Paul puts his hand in the jacket, Napoleon style. Ringo looks out the window.

R: Hey, hey, it’s a bad scene, lads…we’re surrounded!

G: Oh heck!

P: A million billion Meanies!

G: Hey, they’re coming this way!

ALL: HIDE!

“They” consists of a Meanie and the bulldog. In their haste not to be seen, they clatter about in the bandstand, breaking drums, getting wrapped up in tubas, etc. Ringo activates a set of bagpipes and throws it out the window, almost waking a Meanie.

R: Shhhhh!

P: D’you think they heard us.

J: I ‘ope not.

R: Shhh!

G: What did you say?

J: Shhh!

G: Good plan.

Morning comes and they emerge from their sleeping places (Paul in a bass case, John from a piano) to greet the day…

P: Hey look! They’re all asleep.

R: Kinda look cute when they’re asleep…almost human.

G: C’mon, let’s get out of here.

P: On tiptoe!

They exit, carrying instruments. George has a sousaphone, Paul’s got a flute, John’s got a trombone, and Ringo has a trumpet.

P: Tiptoe…through the Meanies…

ALL: Shh!

Ringo steps on the bagpipes and awakens a clown.

R: Oh, er…let’s exude…

They run while the clown awakens the rest of the Meanies. Ringo is tripped and John carries him around. They run into a forest and run helter-skelter through the trees…

G: Relax, lads…not a Meanie in sight.

Ringo is now carrying John…

J: Not even a teeny Meanie.

P: Not even a teeny weenie Meanie.

R: Great.

P: Aw, look, breakfast!

G: Right on time for a bit of brekky.

They run to a green apple tree and pick one. Four Bonkers come up on the other side and each picks one as well.

J: Look out!

They watch as the Bonkers line up behind a Meanie.

Meanie: Sound off.

Bonkers: 1234, 1234, 1234…

J:…5.

Meanie: 5?

They all stand on each others shoulders and John is on top, holding an apple. John bonks the 4th Bonker on the head and knocks him down.

Meanie: Sound off.

Bonkers: 123…

J: …4.

Bonkers: 123…

J: …4.

Bonkers: 12…

He bonks the 3rd.

J: …3.

Meanie: 3?

And the 2nd.

J: …2.

Meanie: 2?

And the final one.

J:…1.

Meanie: 1?

He notices our heroes.

Meanie: Are you, er, bluish? You don’t look bluish.

J: Run for it!

They all fall over and the apple bonks Max on the head.

They run.

P: Right men, we’ve made it!

G: Instruments at the ready…

J: Ok, on the beat of one, a-two, a-three, a-four, a-five, a-six…

R: Hey, can’t you make it three?

J: Oh, all right. On the beat of three. A-one, a-two, a-three…

At the first hint of music, the people blink and awaken.

P: “IT WAS TWENTY YEARS AGO TODAY,”

SERGEANT PEPPER TAUGHT THE BAND TO PLAY.
THEY'VE BEEN GOING IN AND OUT OF STYLE,
BUT THEY'RE GUARANTEED TO RAISE A SMILE.

All the people return to color!

SO MAY I INTRODUCE TO YOU
THE ACT YOU'VE KNOWN FOR ALL THESE YEARS:

P: “SERGEANT PEPPER'S LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND.”

The drum alligator comes to life and strikes a beat.

J & P: “WE'RE SERGEANT PEPPER'S LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND,”

WE HOPE YOU WILL ENJOY THE SHOW.

J & P: “SERGEANT PEPPER'S LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND,
SIT BACK AND LET THE EVENING GO.”

ALL: “SERGEANT PEPPER'S LONELY,
SERGEANT PEPPER'S LONELY,
SERGEANT PEPPER'S LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND,”

John speaks over the singing:

J: “IT'S WONDERFUL TO BE HERE,
IT'S CERTAINLY A THRILL,
YOU'RE SUCH A LOVELY AUDIENCE,
WE'D LIKE TO TAKE YOU HOME WITH US,
WE'D LOVE TO TAKE YOU HOME.”

They all hop on top of the giant head-platform.

P: “I DON'T REALLY WANNA STOP THE SHOW,
BUT I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT LIKE TO KNOW”

THAT THE SINGER'S GONNA SING A SONG,
AND HE WANTS YOU ALL TO SING ALONG.
SO LET ME INTRODUCE TO YOU
THE ONE AND ONLY BILLY SHEARS
AND SERGEANT PEPPER'S LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND,

YEAH!

P: “BILLY SHEARS!”

J: “WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF I SANG OUT OF TUNE
WOULD YOU STAND UP AND WALK OUT ON ME?
LEND ME YOUR EARS AND I?LL SING YOU A SONG
AND I?LL TRY NOT TO SING OUT OF KEY.”

It fades out as Pepperland is restored to full color. The Chief Meanie is not happy.

CM: Ahh…the hills are alive…

Max sings the rest…

Max: With the sound of music…

The Chief Meanie punches him.

CM: Who’d do this? Who is responsible for this?

Max: Rhimmsky-Korsikoff?

He’s shot for his trouble and stomped on by the Butterfly Stomper.

Max: Guy Lombardo?

CM: Hehe, my dear friend…let us not forget that heaven is blue…tomorrow the world! Bring in my bluepas*…

All the Pepperlanders say “Who?”

P: Who?

G: Who?

J: Who?

And with that, the word WHO comes out of his mouth…in solid form.

The glove flies by on recconasance.

CM: Ah, here you are my glovey-dovey. Go get thee hence and destroy an upstart. Stomp them, crush them, cream them…o-blue-terate them!

The glove takes off.

Max: Here your blueness…have some nasty medicine!

CM: Ahhhhhh Love the* Glove!

We see Jeremy chained to an iron ball behind the CM.

Pepperlanders: Glove?

G: Glove?

P: Love?

R: Love.

John breathes out the word “GLOVE.”

P: He’s a clever lad, isn’t he?

George catches it.

R: Open your mouth, luv, it won’t hurt. Hey John, you haven’t half got a big mouth, haven’t you?

G: It’s easy, all you need is love.

He holds up the word “LOVE” which had lost the “G”

John breathes out the word “GLOVE”, and the “G” falls away like the ash on a cigarette. He leaps to the ground, somersaulting on the way. The glove flies toward them…

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE,
LOVE, LOVE, LOVE,
LOVE, LOVE, LOVE.

The words fly out and entangle the glove. Particularly the Os.

J: “THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO THAT CAN'T BE DONE,
NOTHING YOU CAN SING THAT CAN'T BE SUNG.
NOTHING YOU CAN SAY BUT YOU CAN LEARN HOW TO PLAY THE GAME.
IT'S EASY.”

John shoves the “NOTHING” into the mouth of the glove.

J: “NOTHING YOU CAN MAKE THAT CAN'T BE MADE,
NO ONE YOU CAN SAVE THAT CAN'T BE SAVED.
NOTHING YOU CAN DO BUT YOU CAN LEARN HOW TO BE YOU IN TIME.
IT'S EASY.”

These words form a tower that the glove knocks over. The letters whack the glove to the ground.

J: “ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE,
ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE,
ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE, LOVE,
LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED.”

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE,
LOVE, LOVE, LOVE,
LOVE, LOVE, LOVE.

ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE, (ho!)
ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE, (hey!)
ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE, LOVE,
LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED.

J: “NOTHING YOU CAN KNOW THAT ISN'T KNOWN,
NOTHING YOU CAN SEE THAT ISN'T SHOWN.”

The glove gets John in its fist, but when it opens up, John is gone. He’s offscreen to the left.

J: “THERE'S NOWHERE YOU CAN BE THAT ISN'T WHERE YOU MEANT TO BE.
IT'S EASY.

ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE,
ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE,
ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE, LOVE,
LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED.

ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE, “

P: “(all together now)”

J: “ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE,”

P: “(ev'rybody)”

Paul leaps down.

ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE,

J: “LOVE,”

J: “LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED.”

LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED (love is all you need)
LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED (love is all you need)
LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED (love is all you need)
LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED (love is all you need)

The “LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED” forms a wall that breaks and traps the glove. It gets free, then flies off.

LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED, HO! (love is all you need)
LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED (love is all you need)
LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED (love is all you need)
LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED (love is all you need)

J: Go, glove! Lovely glove!

R: You took the words right out of me mouth, John.

Ringo jumps down.

G: Hey, wait and watch!

He floats down gently.

G: It’s all in the mind, you know.

LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED (love is all you need)
LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED (love is all you need)
LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED (love is all you need)
YO HO! - YIPPEE!
IS ALL YOU NEED,
LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED, (love is all)
YESTERDAY... (love is all)
OH! (love is all)

LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED,
LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED, (oh yeah!)
LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED.

SHE LOVES YOU, (love is all)
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, (love is all)
SHE LOVES YOU, (love is all)
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. (love is all)

(love is all you need)
LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED, (oh ho!)
LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED. (oh ho!)
(love is all you need)

OH!
LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED,
LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED.

The hand statue reforms and the KNOW un-cracks. The Meanies all go crazy and retreat.

G: Hey, that’s a funny place to leave a goldfish bowl.

He points at the Anti-Music Missile encircling the real Sgt. PLHCB

J: In Pepperland all things are possible.

P: Its not a goldfish bowl…

G: Just a big glass ball, then.

P: Hey, it’s blue glass.

R: Hey, it must be from Kentucky.

Paul knocks, and Sgt. PLHCB becomes visible inside.

J: Hey, there’s somebody inside!

R: Four fellas.

G: What are they doing in there?

P: They’re not having a ball, that’s for sure.

R: It can’t be!

P: It’s us!

J: But we’re ‘ere!

P: It’s Sgt. Peppers…

R: …Lonely…

G: …Hearts Club…

J: …Band!

G: The resemblance is truly striking.

J: If I could come in here, I think the theory put forward by Einstein…

Ringo covers his eyes in a ‘here we go again’ gesture. George pinches his nose in disgust and Paul spins away singing…

P: Any old Ein, any old Ein, any any any old Einstein…

If you know what he’s singing, please tell me.

J: …could well be applied here. The people in the ball are obviously extensions of our own personalities suspended, as it were, in time, frozen in space…

The other three kick and knock on the ball.

J: …according to the now famous theory of relativity…

G: John…

J: …which briefly explains…

G: John!

J: …it’s simply a matter of taking two eggs…

G: John!

The other three leave, grab a marble column, and run at the ball…

J: …beating lightly…

They crash into it…and are knocked back.

J: …then adding a little salt and pepper to taste!

G: JOHN!

J: George?

G: How do we get them out?

J: Break the glass.

They all shrug.

P: We can’t!

G: It’s Beatle-proof!

R: Nothing is Beatle-proof!

P: Hey, have you got your drumsticks with you? A drum break might shatter it.

R: No, I haven’t.

G: Have a look in your pocket.

R: Hey, I’ve got a hole in me pocket! Hey, I wonder if…

He plants it on the globe, and thick smoke pours out (anyone remember Roger Rabbit?).

R: Yeah, it still works.

G: Ringo, we take back all we said.

J: You’re a genius.

P: Sheer genius.

R: I know, I know, I know…

They admire the colored smoke.

R: Like colored telly...

G: Like crystal…

P: Hey, they’re decanting!

The real, one and only Sgt. PLHCB steps down off the stand to applause from the four. They each examine their doubles. John 2 & George 2 are missing the moustache and beard; Ringo 2 & Paul 2 have funky hats on.

P: Hello, brother!

One Ringo holds a drumstick, the other a cymbal

R: Yeah, without a doubt.

G: We’re the spitting image of each other.

G2: Golly, yeah.

J: I’m lead to believe that you’re an extension of my personality.

J2: Yes! I’m the alter ego man.

J: And I am the ego man, goo goo ca choo.

They shake, then all sit down with themselves and have a chat

G: …well, I m glad you asked me that, cause a matter of fact, there’s a war on.

A lightning bolt explodes above.

J: Then brothers in war to the skirmish must we hence!

J2: Shall we hence?

P: Oh, let’s not waste any more time sitting on the hence…Beatles to Battle! Charge!

Ringo blows an obnoxious bugle call on his trumpet as they all run off…the battle is joined.

R: We’re surrounded!

With their backs to a player piano!

R: Nice dog, though.

It’s the pack of bulldog coming at them! They hide behind the piano, and a John starts it up. The dogs are fascinated with the inner workings of the piano, but the singing scares them and they flatten their leader.

SHEEP DOG STANDING IN THE RAIN,
BULLFROG DOING IT AGAIN.

A clown comes over to see what all the fuss is about.

SOME KIND OF HAPPINESS IS MEASURED OUT IN MILES,
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU'RE SOMETHING SPECIAL WHEN YOU SMILE?

CHILDLIKE, NO ONE UNDERSTANDS,
JACK-KNIFE IN YOUR SWEATY HANDS.
SOME KIND OF INNOCENCE IS MEASURED OUT IN YEARS,
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO LISTEN TO YOUR FEARS.

From inside the piano:

J: “YOU CAN TALK TO ME,”

J2: “YOU CAN TALK TO ME,”

J & J2: “YOU CAN TALK TO ME,”

IF YOU'RE LONELY YOU CAN TALK TO ME.

They tempt the dogs with a bone, but throw out a TNT instead. It blows up in the clown’s face.
The Beatles hide in the bushes while Sgt. PLHCB stays inside and behind the piano.

YEAH HEY! OH!
HO! HO!
YEAH!
HO! HO! HO! HO!
HO! HO!

The Meanies are searching for them…

BIG MAN (yeah) WALKING IN THE PARK,
WIGWAM, FRIGHTENED OF THE DARK.
SOME KIND OF SOLITUDE IS MEASURED OUT IN YOU,
YOU THINK YOU KNOW IT BUT YOU HAVEN'T GOT A CLUE.

YOU CAN TALK TO ME,

J & R: “YOU CAN TALK TO ME,”

YOU CAN TALK TO ME,
IF YOU'RE LONELY YOU CAN TALK TO ME.

SPLHCB: “HEY!”

John 2 points a gun at the dogs from inside the piano, but when he fires it, a squirty flower comes out. The Beatles are in the bushes and they distract the dogs.

WAHOO WOOF! WOOF!

HEY, BULLDOG, WOOF!
HEY, BULLDOG,

Beatles: “HEY, BULLDOG,”

P2 & J2: “HEY, BULLDOG.”

J: “- "HEY MAN, WHAT'S THAT NOISE?"”

Dogs: “- "WOOF!"”

J: “- "WHA'D'YA SAY?
- "I SAID, WOOF!"”

J2: “- "D'Y' KNOW ANYMORE?"

Dogs: “- "WOOOAAAH-HA-HA-HA!"

The Beatles emerge from the bushes and run off.

J & J2: “- "YOU'VE GOT IT! THAT'S GREAT! THAT'S RIGHT! THAT'S IT, MAN, HOO!"”

The dogs are horribly confused… they run between the Beatles and Sgt. PLHCB.

P & P2: “- "GIVE IT TO ME, MAN, HURRY! I'VE GOT TEN CHILDREN, HO!"”

G & G2: “- "AH HO! HA HA HA HA HA HA!"”

The dogs smash into the piano and get wrapped up in the player paper.

J: “- "QUIET, BOY, QUIET!"”

P: “- "OKAY."”

HEY, BULLDOG,
HEY, BULLDOG.

Both bands run off, leaving Ringo behind. He looks around and spots a Meanie guarding Jeremy, who is tied to a tree by his leg.

R: Jeremy, can it be you?

N: Can it be me? I think you’d better inquire of the guards, for when I was captured they took all my cards!

R: Shh, that’s enough, Jeremy!

He produces an accordion, which he throws to distract the guard. He cuts Jeremy down.

R: Come on, the whole world’s being attacked!

N: Well, what do you want me to do? Do you recommend fisticuffs versus the guard?

Ringo points toward the Meanie…

N: Oh guard, blue Meanie-o…left to the nostril, right uppercut, right to the eyebrow and left to the gut!

Jeremy trips over himself and falls into the apple tree. The apple shakes off and bonks the laughing Meanie.

R: Jeremy!

N: Come on, Ringo

They walk off to the right, Jeremy making little punching motions along the way…

The Meanies, meanwhile, are in a mad retreat!

CM: Go back there! Once more into the blitz* go Meanies…you’re advancing the wrong way! Retreat backwards! My kingdom for a horse…oh…

He cries at the site of his defeat, but then Jeremy happens along.

CM: I think I’ll tear him up into little pieces…

N: Oh he does, does he?

CM: Yes , I think I’ll make a blue-burger out of him!

N: Ha ha! I don’t care what you think!

Jeremy swings, but misses low.

CM: Oh you DON’T, eh! We’ll soon see about that…

J: He does in truth seem quite annoyed … some reference material be-be-before I’m destroyed!

He whips out a book.

N: Where ground is soft most often grows, arise, arise, arouse, arose!

He taps the CM’s nose and it blooms…

N: A rosy nose?

CM: Speak your last piece!!

N: Peace, peace! Supplant the doom and the gloom! Turn off what is sour, turn into a flower and bloom… bloom, haha! Bloom, haha! Bloom, bloom, bloom, bloom, bloom!

The CM runs off covered in flowers.

R: First time I saw that Nowhere man, that nobody…I know he was somebody.

J: You’re right…

He calls across the hills…

J: Hullo there blue people, won’t you join us? Hook up, and otherwise co-mingle! Whaddaya say?

CM: Max…

Max: Your blueness?…er…Your newness?

CM: It’s no longer a blue world, Max…where could we go?

Max: Argentina?

J: Are you with us? Will you join?

Jeremy runs back to the ex-Meanies.

CM: Shall we?

Max agrees…

Max: No!

CM: ARRrrgh!!

Max: N-n-y-y-y-y-es, your newness!

CM: Yeeeeeeeeees, Max…

N: Yes! Ah, Yes is a word with a glorious ring! A true universal utopious thing! Engenders embracing and chasing of blues! The very best word for the whole world to use!

CM: Yes…let us mix, Max. I never admitted it before, but my cousin is the bluebird of happiness!

(TOO MUCH! AH-AH-AH)

IT'S ALL TOO MUCH.

IT'S ALL TOO MUCH.

“Yes!”

WHEN I LOOK INTO YOUR EYES,
YOUR LOVE IS THERE FOR ME.
AND THE MORE I GO INSIDE,
THE MORE THERE IS TO SEE.

The once-mean Meanies and the Pepperlanders live together in harmony. ?

IT'S ALL TOO MUCH FOR ME TO TAKE,
THE LOVE THAT'S SHINING ALL AROUND HERE.
ALL THE WORLD IS BIRTHDAY CAKE,
SO TAKE A PIECE, BUT NOT TOO MUCH.

“Ok!”

NICE TO HAVE THE TIME TO TAKE
THIS OPPORTUNITY
TIME FOR ME TO LOOK AT YOU
AND YOU TO KOOK AT ME

IT'S ALL TOO MUCH FOR ME TO SEE,
THE LOVE THAT'S SHINING ALL AROUND YOU.
EV'RYWHERE, IT'S WHAT YOU MAKE,
FOR US TO TAKE, IT'S ALL TOO MUCH.

IT’S TOO MUCH
AH!



We fade out to…the REAL Beatles! As in, not cartoons anymore.
Left to right, Paul, Ringo, George, John.

P: Catchy tune, that.

R: I can’t seem to get it out of my head.

G: Well shake it!

R: That’s what we’ve been doing all night!

G: Oh?

John is engrossed in a telescope.

P: Well, we’ve had a great party.

G: And we’ve brought back lots of lovely souvenirs…here is the motor!

…from the Yellow Submarine…

P: And I’ve got a little … love!

He holds a glowing word “LOVE”

R: And I’ve got a hole in my pocket!

He produces same…(Please tell me he’s acting that badly on purpose…)

P: A hole?

R: Well, half a hole anyway. I gave the rest to Jeremy.

Very slowly, making an obvious joke out of it:

G: What…can he do… with half a hole?

P: Ah..fix it…to keep his mind…from wandering!

Imagine a little “ba-dum CHING!”

R: Hey, look at John , will ya?

P: What’s the matter, John luv? Blue Meanies?

J: Newer and bluer Meanies have been sighted within the vicinity of this theater!

ALL: uh oh, oh no, ect.

J: There’s only one way to go out!

G: How’s that?

J: Singing!

R: One!

P: Two!

G: Three!

J: Faaaaawr!

Card “All Together Now”

ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR,

Card: “CAN I HAVE A LITTLE MORE?”

FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT, NINE, TEN,

Card: “I LOVE YOU”

A, B, C, D,
CAN I BRING MY FRIEND TO TEA?
E, F, G, H, I, J,
I LOVE YOU.

BOM, BOM, BOM, BOMPA BOM,
Card: “SAIL THE SHIP,”
BOMPA BOM,
Card: “CHOP THE TREE,”
BOMPA BOM,
Card: “SKIP THE ROPE.”
BOMPA BOM,
Card: “LOOK AT ME!”

ALL TOGETHER NOW:

Each time “ALL TOGETHER NOW” is sung, the card shows the words in a different language.

ALL TOGETHER NOW, (all together now)
ALL TOGETHER NOW, (all together now)
ALL TOGETHER NOW, (all together now)
ALL TOGETHER NOW. (all together now)
OH, ALL TOGETHER NOW, (all together now)
ALL TOGETHER NOW, (all together now)
ALL TOGETHER NOW, (all together now)
ALL TOGETHER NOW. (all together now)
ALL TOGETHER NOW, (all together now)
ALL TOGETHER NOW, (all together now)
ALL TOGETHER NOW, (all together now)
ALL TOGETHER NOW.


THE END

 

 

   
 
© 2002 by MAG. All rights reserved.